Sigh

I duno what the hecks goin on.

But i think it amounts to shane things im purposely avoiding him or making him mad.


I dont like to hang out a lot. I like being alone, i like keeping to myself.

I like being a hermit, and if everyone on the world disapeared never to be seen again, i would be just fine with it.


I hate the emotion of anger, and humans seem to be the only ones that express it for no apaprent reason.


Its like... If i say we can hang out on ______ Day, and i say yes, then that means yes.

iF something comes up, then i cant really help it! and i WOULD NEVER EVER do something like that JUST to piss him off.

I HATE the emotion of anger.. with a passion. I hate people who have anger PROBLEMS..

why would i PURPOSELY MAKE somoene angry?!?!?!
I wouldnt.

This is why i dont tell courney keene shes a slut. This is why i dont tell danielle shes becomming a slut. This is why i hold back most of the times when telling my dad his GF is a blithering idiot thats using him for fixing things.

I would like NOTHING MORE than to have NO ANGER in the world EVER AGAIN.


For this weekend, he asks if we can hang out this weekend.. Im busy and i know i cant.. I have about 20hrs of movie and 10 hours of game to do.... along with finishing episode 1 on trickster.. getting stuff around for michigan works, then actually going there on monday.

Dad also wants to get the pool up.. he started bringing in the sand for it.

Yeah Travis came over last wednesday, but we went to michigan works.. and watched some of my 20hrs of movie (LOST).. we didnt even get NEAR any video game system..
We were also going to go to JCC in jackson and sell travis' books back.. and my stress management book... but they were closed x_X

I think that shane just has some...

increasingly bad paranoia problems.. i would never want him to be mad.. I would never like him to feel sad or depressed or anything..

But if he NEEDS ME to not be sad or depressed.. Then I dont know what to tell him.

to my knowlege, friendship doesnt mean that i need to put him before everything else. Put him before things with a time limit.. (like... movie rentasls, my math class)

That stuff costs money.

and saving money comes before EVERYTHING in my life, because i am lucky to get anything the FIRST time VERY MUCH LESS a second time..

If my dad takes me to rent movies, i feel very privilaged, because it doesnt happen very often.. because we cant afford to do it very often.

Without corys social security we would most definatley have to move. House payment is over 1100$ a month.. and my dad only makes $2000 a month. Yeah i see a problem too.



Supposidly shane left me a comment on facebook.

Travis said it was in my best interests if i dont read it.

So im not going to.

Im going to ask travis to delete it for me...

Because the shane I know and love..

doesnt have paranoia problems.. he likesme for me.. no matter what i do.. and appreciate the time we spend together.. and doesnt try to FORCE me to hang out or whatever..

See i want friends that like me no matter what.. even if that means i only wanna hang out once or twice a month.. ones who can ACCEPT that I dont like being with people.. That i dont believe in love anymore... its hard for me to trust people, you know.. after all ive been through with various people.

A real friend would cherish the time we have together.. and not complain about me or my ways...

I cannot accept imperfection.. I cannot accept major flaws...

I know humanity has a lot of flaws...

so..


If this means that i dont get to have ANY friends, then so be it.