caitaro | Entries tagged with depression

Legs are sooooo sore! That's what I get for doing nothing for 4 days, lol.

LOLOLLOLOLOLOL My school.. just keeps getting funnier... Here's another email i got: "Hello, The cards have been disabled for a few years. The reason is that each card requires a drive letter. We use C, D and E already for the operating system and the CD-ROMs. We use the I drive for a network purpose and the L drive for applications. If the readers where enabled they would steal the drive letters that we need for students to be able to access their documents and for the computers to run correctly. Because of this the card readers are not enabled at any campus. The front desk at Hillsdale campus now has external SD card reader that can be plugged into any of the computers so that those students who can’t bring their cable or camera to campus can still access the information on their cards, that may be needed for class. The Solution Center on Central Campus has these available for students to use as well. If you are anyone else you know needs to be able to use these at the other campuses please let us know and we will make sure they have access as well." Here's what I said: "I've never had an issue in the past with drive letters not showing up with card readers when they were working... The front desk at Hillsdale said they didn't have any external card readers, didn't know anything about them not working, and told me to call the solution center. The solution center asked me which computers they werent working in, and that they would send in a work request. I'm curious though, if they have been disabled for several years now, why does everyone act as if they had no idea this was happening? It seems rather odd....." I AM SO.. SOOOOOOO fed up with this poor excuse for a school.. This is literally the most insane thing....

It seems like everywhere I turn, everyone has been having a bad few days lately.... even people that I know that are normally VERY happy friendly people seem to be upset... I've been feeling it myself since June... It's weird how this all happens at the same time.... Either way, for everyone that is having a rough time, I hope you all feel better soon ^-^ <3 <3 <3

O. M. G. Just when I thought JCC Couldn't get more ridiculous. THEY SHUT OFF ALL OF THE CARD READERS ON THE COMPUTERS. FOR NO REASON. check this email they sent me: Hello, I am contacting you in regards to the work request entered about the SD card readers not working in HIL15. The card readers in this room are not functional anymore. If students have SD cards they need read, we suggest bringing the camera in with the SD card in it. The camera can then be plugged into the computer using a USB cable and the card can be accessed in that way. Please let us know if you have any more questions. *BANGS HEAD ON WALL* WHY WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY WHYY AM I PAYING THIS COMPANY A VAST AMOUNT OF MONEY FOR SUCH INCOMPETENCE!?!?!?

Just feeling hermity lately....

Off to work today, let's see if i can do this without falling apart... xD

.............wow.

*block*

Facebook asks me "Whats on your mind?"

...and I just laugh.

Wow, the lady at CVS was really rude to me then hung up. All I did was ask if they were hiring.

Here's how it went:

Me: Hi, I was wondering if you guys were hiring?
Her: You have to go online *Hang up*

Its like, well yahh no duh you gotta fill em out online these days, but THEN YOU CALL AND ASK ABOUT THE APPLICATION!

She could at least have been considerate, lol.

I already filled it out and was calling to check on it...

Prolly cuz they know I don't let all the shit workers go around pulling the rest of the team down.... I try to get something done about it, lol.

I've tried being nice, polite, and patient. It's not working. Time to be annoying. I'm going to call them every frikking day until they get sick of me and hire me out of spite to having me stop call.

This is ridiculous.

Rejected List Update:

Goodwill
Wendys
Big lots
Gander Mountain
Home Depot
all 3 Subways
CVS
Cottage Inn Pizza
Mr. Gyros
Little Ceasers
Great lakes fitness
Big Boy
Coldwater Garden
Walmart
Jimmy Johns
Pizza hut
Culvers
Rite Aid
Walgreens
Arbys
McDonalds
Dollar General
Dollar Tree
Southern Michigan Bank
Benedicts

Also, Fireworks @ My house tomorrow! Who wants to come?

So.... Wow. We watched the lawnmower man2... and just.. wow. It's... the most terrible sequel I have ever seen, LOL.

Next on our movie marathon tonight.... Wayne's World 1 + 2!

and this american life... and young frankenstein, lol

-

Wendys frosty waffle cones.. OH. DEAR. GOD. YES.

-

Had a Chicken BUrrito from taco bell. It was good

Paranoia and dePression kicking in....

Noone wants me to work for them... 3 interviews and nothing. I guess I'm that bad.... Daniel says we were supposed to get married this sPring but he won't set a date or make any plans. Won't ask for time off... Says they won't let him have a single day. Says we don't hav enough money to get married..... Maybe he doesn't want to.... And just doesn't want to tell me to make me sad... Maybe I'm overthinking but either way I feel useless and unwanted in a lot of ways and I just feel like crying...

Don't want anything fancy. And a couple packs of hotdogs on the grill for our 3 guests is fine. No idea what he's thinking and he won't tell me

The only thing i can think of is they ask me what I didnt like about my last job, and i say "they made it so unsafe, and actually just told the customers to walk around the water spills without fixing them"

Its like, should i lie and say "nothing"? X_x

Note to self. Stop trying to help people. STOP IT. *SLAPS SELF* I DONT CARE HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO, DONT DO IT.

Its probably because I am hormonal.

But i am a wet slobbery mess.

Here's the reasoning:

1.) Daniel is too good to me. and if i do end up super sick and on my death bed, he will be there for every bit. *Sob* Hes too good to me.... and i dont deserve him.
2.) I could have cervical cancer. Sounds awesome. *Sob*
3.) They're going to molest me on the 18th to find out IF i have cervical cancer. I dont want to be molested. That is the sacrid zone. That's not for some random doctor. That is for daniel ONLY.
4.) Daniel doesn't even want it, and that makes him amazing, and more deserving of it.
5.) Fucking guildies being emo makes me not wanna sign on ever again.
6.) ...omg daniel ;-;
7.) OMFG i m going to be molested Q_______________Q
8.) I should go to work today but im depressed and severe lack of sleep.
9.) WHY AM I DEPRESSED?!?!!!??!!?
10.) I ripped my fingernails off. fuck. those are for daniel, but only if they are still attached. fuuuck.
11.) WHY AM I SO SAD!?!?!?!?
12.)MY RIBBON IS FRAYING!!!! WHYYYY
13.) OMG DANIEL WAS A JERK TO ME TODAY SO I AM SAD T_T.. BUT HE WASNT A JERK, BUT MY BRAIN THINKS HE IS BECAUSE... I AM HORMONAL AND RAGGINGGGGGGGGGGG RAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEe

;__;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

RAGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEe

im sposed to come in for some blood work.... but...

im not gunna.

becauseeee....

i am emo.

and im like
fuuuuck them

charging me 217$ for ALEEVE.

FUCK THAT!

God i am pissed. and depressed.

*Goes to WET HER BED IN UNNCESSISARY HORMONE DRIVEN SORROW*

Dear phenyl ethylamine, Dopamine, norepinephren, serotonin, and Oxytocin.

you are ruining my life

<3, cait.

Or perhaps i should say

Dear The __________________ that makes me constantly think about everything and question everything + its motives..

You are ruining my life.

<3, Cait.

I should be happy, but I am upset. Because i keep thinking about everything.

-_-

started out good

sung on the way to work
sunny day

beautiful

everything perfect.

found out

-new boss
-new boss has heterosexual rules
-cait feels lost without use of carts
-Jeanine is scared shitless of being alone, and i cant do anything for her
-Didnt bring carols valentines stuff....
-Dead cat in driveway (not mine)
-My last bunny i have left, gary.. is in the kitchen table right now.. Probably dead.. ... ...
-Salam is still gone
-ITs valentines day
-I am still alone
-I miss him like cory misses hot pockets
-Im glad hes gone
-Im not glad hes gone
-I want to delete my cat named salam
-and my sheep, named after salams typo
-They are too high lv to delete.
-Stripey is a huge bitch
-I have to get up for work in a few hours...
-Going to bed emo on a day that started out so well.

sigh.

Current Mood: sad

so i showed my dad my letter to salam today, after much screaming at him for being insensitive....

and i broke down while explaining the situation....

(i didnt tell him that he was my bf though.)

so i was a slobbery snotty teary mess...

ugh

not only that

one of my favorite bosses doesnt work @ walmart anymore..

carol might be moving to detroit..

my guild was bumped down to BARELY 10th place ranking for the week

seems like everything is falling down around me

and i am depressed.

and i dont care to go to work ever again

and i dont care to go to school anymore.

I dont even want to get on trickster anymore

i just wanna sleep

I moved my room around the other day

to make a little

U shaped thing with my bed

perfect for nesting in
gotta drag my pillows out
so i can lay about all curled up all day
and sleep

:3

So last night i finished "Green Angel" and it was very depressing o_O...

and the ending suxed XD

But....

I woke up today just horridly depressed...

And i was horridly depressed... all day....

and I wasnt even on the net at all, besides just to type this.. and then im going to bed..

its like.. dad came home and i started crying for no apparent reason.. I was doing my puzzle, so he didnt know but..

Completely randomly..

I guess iw as just thinkin about.... me being a failure i guess XD

I duno

I dun care XP

Eventually something will come along and my luck will change..

after all, after youve lost it all, the only place you can go is up~~

---

In other n00z, There was an earthquake this morning.. apparently at about 5:30.. It didnt wake me or cory up, but aparently everyone at corys school woke up..

It happened in southern illinois somewhere, and was felt all the way down to georgia O_O.

Did any of you feel it???

----

IN even other n00z.. The ants are back ;_;

*Terros up the whole house*

----

SMORE NEWZ~

..I had Jake in the house today.. pettin him on corys bed.... and he flipped out and started biting and clawing me.. i was afraid to pick him up >_< Luckily i got up and he followed me out the door..

Jake Affection -50. -_-..

----

SOLO + ENSEMBLE TOMARROW.. If i can get up, im guna go.
Why?

Cuz i need to get the *profanity* out of hte house.l

Current Mood: sad
Current Location: MAI HAUS

So i watched all 6 starwars movies for the first time...

and OMG <=(

its so incredibly ungodly sad...

cept i didnt cry...

but i DID ON THE INSIDE....

basically.. the whole 6 movies is one giant love plot gone WRONG..

Anakin gave up everything.. sacrified the entire galaxy because he *THOUGHT* something bad might happen to Padme..
he didn't even know for sure...

and in the end she died anyway..

ugh

so sad..
that i cant take it >_<

but what.. erm.. i think obi-wan said.. was true..

speaking of him, i luuurve his accent o.0;;;

that attachment leads to jelousy.. anger.. fear.. NONE of this would have happened had they not fell in love.

sure i really loved all the hawt AnakinxPadme action but.. it was not worth what happened..

I'd rather not have it happen in the first place if thats what happened..

...and this just further justifies my distaste for relationships.. irl..

Even though love feels amazingz0rz.......(the breif hint of it in the air ive experienced at least) if it ends in distruction then it's not worth it.. and in most cases, it does lead to distruction.

I am willing to give that up, knowing that in return I will not have to ever experience the outcome.

it is sad but..

I'm one of those people, you know.. the "better safe than sorry"

im one of those who will have library book in 2 days before it's due.. /just in case/

im one of those who WONT GO OUT ON ICEY ROADS CUZ I DONT WANNA DIE (like that anyway) >:| (and consequently wont let anyone else go out on them anyway)

in my drawing class.... 55 sketches are due friday, but watch I'll do 58-60 /JUST IN CASE/ she doesnt like one or whatever..

i go out of my way to make sure bad things dont happen ever....EVER.

but yeah.. gettin off topic here.

Im so horribly depressed... *sigh*.... *SIGH*..... *sIGh* .... *SigH*

Current Mood: distressed

er happy news first... or not so happy i dno

I got trickster to work on PC>.. .bt not lappy WTFG??

so im workin on it.

second
THIS DAMN UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuUUUUuuuUuUUuU button is driving me nuts

its like.. doesnt wnt to be pressed for some reason... i duno..
uuuuu

I think i fixed it just not o___o we'll see.

so upon fixing trickster i have come across an easy copy n paste specs thing for lappy..

so here it be :3

========================================================

Trickster System Infomation

========================================================

CPU : Intel(R) Celeron(R) M processor 1.50GHz

OS : Microsoft Windows XP Workstation 5.1 Service Pack 2 (Build 2600)

System Memory : 120740/515452 Kbytes

Hardisk Space : 12803 MBytes

Graphic Card : Mobile Intel(R) 915GM/GMS,910GML Express Chipset Family

Graphic Card Driver : ialmrnt5.dll ( 6.14.10.4410)

Graphic Card Memory : 123500 / 123548 Kbytes

DirectX Version : DirectX 9.0

Display Mode : 800 x 600 (60)

Sound Card : SigmaTel Audio (sthda.sys)

Yeahh only 13gb free i know.. I put a buttload of music on here.. I need to burn "the office" eps to CD.... and my .hack//sign and.. get burn some of this other music to a cd..

only its stuck in the shared folders and i cant move it o_O or delete it or anything! XP is so weirdrd.. I have admin ppowars

maybe i have to restart in safe mode or something... I duno XD

so right now im runnin windows file protectionmcheck thing.. to maybe fix it..

TIll then

*hugs .hack//sign*

er also.. typing in the dark on lappy keyboard at my smorkin 122wpm... sucks XD so many errors.

The non happy news...

My
car exploded.. i was traumatized..

I was stuck in the middle of the road and being emo and crying abou tt it XD

i got it started just enough to get it into some church parking lot...

so i walked the horridly long distance to my grandpas house

called my house.. internet was on..

OMG i felt so bad >_< i ALMOST disconnected it when i left too..

so i called AAA...

towed me home

dad looked at it.. he is the MASTER of fixing cars and he cant do it >_____<@

so i duno.

No sk00l tomarow, thankfully..

I leave you with this quote
XD

advice-columnist.viliamu. says:
augh
advice-columnist.viliamu. says:
my voiiice.
-=~*Sir Cait *~=- says:
?
-=~*Sir Cait *~=- says:
did you trade it for legs?
advice-columnist.viliamu. says:
not this time. D: Im not making that mistake again.
-=~*Sir Cait *~=- says:
XD

er.. well crap my screen messed up again >_

So i went to the doctors today.... ...for the last time..

She said there's nothing more they can do.. She has run out of ideas.

The next step would be to go to MSU, but I can't afford that... even WITH insurance...

...which, by the way, will run out in exactly a month.

I held off crying till i got in my car...

ugh.

Im not guna drive home when i feel like that again.

I almost hit 3 cars driving home... goin off in the left lane..

Ugh.

I got home.. noone noticed i was home..

..ate supper... went in my room...

bawled some more cuz im so emo.

watched Ep. 1 of DNAngel, honey + Clover. Digimon movie one (J) (the one where they are kids) and finished up the cat returns.

They were all decent.

Just now came out..

Today i got .hack//sign ep 6,7,8 done.. starting 9..

I watched 6..

all the eps have been pretty dissapointing...

Episode 1 was amazing... cuz it was about TSUKASA and not those random people talking..

Its like ugh.

I feel like im watching a pre-fight DBZ scene..

they STAND AROUND AND TALK.. nothign else..

ep 6 was -ok- though cuz suubaru or whatever got some emotion out of tsukasa..

I think that he needs to feel more emotion... i want to know how HE feels about all this.. not about how random players are trying to remedy it.

how does tsukasa feel? is he sad? what exactly does he remember? Does he want to return to IRL? Why doesnt he take advance of this and become super powerfull?

perhaps i willlllll find out soon enough..

but the story is running along pretty damn slowly for my tastes :(

Current Mood: stoic

Look at my emo sig that i stole the design from people from the forums

So as we all know I spent the night at Shanes the other day..

and i found out some very disterbing things..

some very non-asexual things... LOL

Things that never had crossed my mind.. things Ive joked about but never would even DREAM about being real..

I was watchign serenity and Zim today and such..

and it occured to me that I live in a fantasy world..

no, i dont go around talking to Zim and Mal, lol

Nor do i pretend like im driving a space ship...

But the emotional aspects..

I never see movies where.. People have friends and go out and.. have random sex.. or.. People are at their computers jackin off to lemonparty.org or anything.. Or people getting killed.. for real.. Or death in general..

Therefor... things like that dont exist for me..

My reasoning is..

My mom.. She died in '05.. It doesn't seem real to me.. Now it just seems to me as if this is how it always has been.. and nothing else ever was..

It feels as if Snoop didnt exist.. but I KNOW she did.... as it was only a few weeks ago.. and earlier I was a mess because I did think of her..

To me it seems impossible that Alex turned gay and sucked some guy in a hotel... He would NEVER do that.. in my 'fantasy' i have cooked up i guess..
People are all so...... innocent.. they dont DO bad things..

Bad things dont happen..

People.. DONT get mad.. people dont go away to college.. they dont get killed.. or.. have sex.. do.. strange things...

I think the reason i get so emotional over things i watch.. or read.. but mostly watch is because i incorporate their fantasy worlds into mine..

Because I was so obsessed with Firefly..... I added the guy who played Mal, the girl who played Kaylee... The guy who played Simon.. and Daniel Jackson from the Stargate movie...

Because I was in love with their CHARACTERS.. not them.. and i read their profiles..... and they are complete differnt people..

Like with Jason Marsden.. I love his voice with a passion.. i did email him once.. i got a response.. he seemed... Like such a typical guy..

After I found out he.. wasnt who i thought him to be, i really lost interest..

but i hate this..

I hate real life.. I want to live in my fantasy word where nothing bad happens.. I DONT want to get a job.. i dont want to have a repetitive life.. I dont want to ever have the responsibility to HAVE to have money... I KNOW ill never find love and get married.. with a REAL genuine caring.. fantasy-like person... I dont want to have.... a future..?

Lets describe said fantasy-like person.

+----+
Ideal Personality
+----+
-Nerdy, possibly nerdier than me. Would be hawt to be into programming and stuff i duno about. Knowing HTML + graphics + crap would be awesome too.
-Gaming. Yes.
-Anime. Yes.
-AWesome movies - Like sci-fi/drama/crap
-Asexual. Seriously. who wants to get hawt n naked n juicey? sounds kinda not appealing to me? LOL
-Tolerable w/ me. I know that I'm pretty much insane... random.. stuff. and ive experienced like almost nothing in my life. I'm like a little kid... and he would be willing to embrace that fact and teach me things about being an adult that I havent done myself.
-Not caring about looks.. probably his or mine. of course this is to an extent. Id still want them to take showers and crap, LOL.
-Not angry. Seriously.. people with anger problems are not fun to be around.
-Caring.. This may be a bit too far or something even "extra" but the little things are so cute and attractive, you know? Like leaving a note that says "Have a good day" or patting my head as he walks by... Or... even doing things together that arent normally co-op? like... Painting.. that would be cool.
-Loving. touching. I feel like i want to be touched a lot. I want to be held and snuggled and huggled and just loved 24/7. I long for it... Unfortunately this seems to be a trait that not many guys possess. They long for sex, i long for attention. Bleh! Stuff like.. I remember once when I was laying on my bed and we were playing a game or something and he sort of layd on my back, put his arms on it or something. That felt amazing.
-Respectful - Respectful of the things i do weird.. like not killing the fuzzies -_o. its seriously annoying, and he should understand that.
-Honest - I hate lies. With a passion of the christ. No matter what, he must be honest, and not lie to cover up stuff or try and protect my feelings.
-Trustworthy + comfortable with - Honestly, i have to feel 110% comfortable around him... Like not care about if my shirt looks okay... or if ill say the wrong things.. you know.
-Not gay. obvious reasons. Well actually. If they were gay and still wanted to do all the things i wanted to do.. like hold hands, snuggle, etc. i wouldnt care if they liked teh pen0r, lol.
-thats all i can think of atm. XD

+----+
Ideal Looks
+----+
(Looks dont matter, but this is just you know, the ideal XD)
-Taller than me, but not ghetto tall like having to duck to get into doorways
-Long hair. God long hair is hot.
-Glasses. God glasses are hawt too. lol.
-Larger built. Not like supar morbidly obese, but you know.. larger built. something bigger than me.. Squishy of some sort.. as it makes a good pillow <3
-NO NASTEH MUSCULARS STICKING OUT. EW!

Does said person exist? Nope. If they do, theyd be eitehr a.) gay or b.) taken. sooo... ima give up looking. Its gunna come to me naturally or it wont happen. Thats prolly how it should be i guess... Till then focus on friends and happiness.. and ignore the intense urge to snuggle nearest object, LMAO.

I think thats why i am how i am.. I dont do anything for myself.. because i need... shows.. and books to do it for me.. They evoke all of my feelings when NOTHING else can... They give me direction.. they give me MEANING..

It's no wonder i feel so lost when someone doesnt tell me what to do.. when sp00ny hugged me and i just stood there... when he said "you can hug me back now, you know".. because it wasnt really a hug i think. It was just... you know, like one of those fake hugs that was likeeee... funeral hug. it wasnt real. i didnt wanna hug back. it was natural to stand there.

because i LONG for the love from... fictional places..? the only place love can truely be unconditional and true...?

I feel so confused.. when sp00ny tried to... well.. show affection? Or maybe it wasnt affection and i just gotit wrong? i didnt know what to do because in the shows, people do it FOR 'me'... but not.. for me.. you know?

I didnt have to... think..

and im soooo scared because people in the real world arent fiction they have REAL feelings which can REALLY be hurt... i have a great fear of people hating me.. of me hurting their feelings..

I never talk to anyone.. i never tell people my TRUE opinions.. because i dont know what they are and.. i dont want to hurt them... when i do think i have an opinion..

This entry is soo weird.. and.. I kept trying to get the idea down but i kept forgetting it.. I start typing but i FORGET IT!!! I forget so many things..

I just hope it doesnt get as bad as ive seen other people.. in the bathroom forgetting to turn the water off after washing their hands.. that will be the day... ugh.. When i may not be able to stand myself anymore...

Like in games.. I have emotes to express 'my feelings' in my hamtaro game, i had many love emots.. i used them.. without even THINKING... because its fantasy.. its not real.. it never happened >_< But thats as real as love can get for me because its all i know?

>_< i wish i could talk to marianne about these things!! but i FORGET and even if i do remember.... i get mixed up.. blarg... or start then forget..

I feel so horrible.. i might just go to bed :|..... as... IN my awake state, is almost like a dreaming state.. and my dreaming state.. is LIKE.. my life... Its so much better. bleh, depressed.

Current Mood: depressed

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&rd=1&item=300142076934&ssPageName=STRK:MEWA:IT&ih=020

laptop i might get

any opinions?

*sigh* been very depressed today..
as no firefly :(

and i cant find any good pix of Simon <3

anddd...

didnt talk to like ANYONE..

but..

i did take some smexi pics of me wearing my slut dress.. i'll post em sometime XD

so been yellin at dad cuz he wont takea day off to go to college..

i asked him to do it a month ago and he said "ok"and hes like "well you can go in there by yourself"" and im like "um i dont think so i cant pay for it" "youre the one so you have to go or else theyll make me pick out classes and you only have 72hrs or else theyll call a colelctors and then everything will just be messed up... you cant take an effing HOUR out of your dad to go.. and omg.."

hes like "YOU, YOU, YOU"

and im like "YOU DIDNT, YOU DIDNT, YOU DIDNT"

so now im upset and crying.. and suppers done, but im not going out there..

i told them "I dont wanna go to school, the onyl reason i want a job is so i can pay for this crap then when i get done i dont even know what ill do then.. Cuz i DOTN wannado anything anymore.. nothing at all.."

and its true..

I dont want to do anything. I dont wanna go to school, ive been there enough in my life.. I dont want a job, what the hell do i need money for?

'oh to move out' right?

no

what would happen if i moved out?

i would go to work.. get to MY house.. exist.. eat ramen.. sleep, and go back to work!!!

WHY would i wanna do that EVER???!?!?!? i WOULDNT!!

I know thats how many peoples life is..

But i dont wanna be like other people..

When i was at shanes house..

His mom would go to bed at 10, wake up in the morning.. come home at like 4.. watch tv cook supper.. watch tv.. and go to bed..

If i had to live like that, i would kill myself.. it's not living.. It's slaving away to make money so you have a roof over your head..

I duno

I hate the way stuff works.

I know it's totally unavoidable.. im going to have ti someday

but what do i have to live for? I have nothing.

I dont wanna be anything when i 'grow up', I have no special 'people' in my life, I have no animals that need me..

my dad and cory hate me..

i have NOTHING...

and i hate it..

Im pretty much a waste of space... cory + dad always have more fun when i'm gone... when i'm gone to someones house im so effing lame i dont know what to do.. anything at all..

im such a horrible friend.. a horrible entertainer.. i cant even make people laugh anymore.. (could i ever?)... horrid daughter and sister.. I dont LIKE anything at all.. im like a sheep i do the bidding of whoever comes along to be my 'shepard'...

...lately i have no 'shepards'.. people tell me to be my own shepard.. but i cant.. id have to completely transform who i am..

..I'd like to do that very much though.. but i cant.. i just suck and..

I'm not going on IM anymore.. none of them.. it's pointless.

I need to ban myself from myspace + facebook.. I dont do anything all day but check it.. check it for messages that are never going to be sent.. friend requests that will never be requested.

i make it SOOOO easy to get ahold of me, yet NOONE does.. out of the 6 years ive spent on the internet.. in communities EVERY single effing day...... noone of them still... CARE enough to 'hunt me down' although it's not HARD.. you search for any amount of things related to me.. and you will find me, and everything..

There's no point.. I need to grow the hell up.. but i cant... I need some sort of dramatic change in my life to even start anything.. I need.... a mentor... a 'big brother/big sister' for emotionally challenged teenagers.

If i was any 'regular' teenager, id prolly go on and on *cough*likejoeXD*cough* about how ohh iwant to kill myself.. ohh i have a blaade in my hand.. whatever.

But i dont want to kill myself, i just want to simply ceast to exist. To never been born.

:|

Current Mood: depressed

so we randomly went to the coldwater fair today..

It was really hot.. i was wearing jeans..

So cory splits off and me and dad go to walk around..

So we are going through buildings.. i spot a thing for the Tibbits opera house.. win free tickets..

So i tell dad to stop, i wanted to enter.. he's like "uhM. i dont think so. it's hot in here, i'm leaving."

So i go out.

Then we enter the next building.. and dad sees his friend.. they stand there and talk for like 10 minutes.

Great. his friend is more important than 30 seconds for me to fill out a thing for free tickets..

then hes like "all these barns and only 2 people ive seen i knew!"

so we go near the animal barns..

Dads like "jesus christ im not going in anymore barns"

so im like "...ok" so

he says "wanna go see the cows?"

they are in a barn, so i say no.

So we get to the chickens and rabbits.. so we go in there.. dads like "oh!! big fan!" So we go in.. he stands by the big fan.. then we walk QUICKLY though the barn.. then stop at the rabbits for dad to talk to some person for another 10 minutes.. Then we walk back to exit the chickens / rabbit barn.. of course walking QUICKLY though the chickens -_-..

then we walk down this thing past come more cows.. then we see a .. ~12 year old girl crying..

dads like "oh! Whats wrong?"
she says "nothing"

dad says "did you loose your parents?"

she said "yes"

so dads like "ill go get the police"

so he runs some police down and tells them about this little girl..
Then hes like "ive done my good deed for the day ^_^_^_^_^^_^^^^^^"

then hes like "jebus almost 11 and only 3 1/2 people ive seen i know!!"

and we past some drink stands and hes like "so.. i want a lemonaide.. You want one?"

i say "no"

then hes like "...fine" and doesnt get one

and im like "IF YOU WANT ONE THEN GET ONE! IM NOT STOPPING YOU!!"

him: *no comment*

Soo then we are walking and we find cory..

he gets his lemonaide eventually..

Cory got a water...

then he gave cory some money to play some games and whatnot.. cory won 2 huge stuffed animals.. i won 1.. But then again i only played ~2$ worth..

Then corys wandering around "blarg blarg games blarg blarg" "blarg. people keep hitting me with hammers every 5 secs"

ANd we are going and we play this game and then dad buys carmel corn and we are about ready to go and hes like

"ive only seen like 5 people i know here!"

and i couldnt take it anymore..

"Um.. Is the only reason you coem to these damn things is to find PEOPLE YOU KNOW!"

and hes like "well.. also to see the stuff..."

and im like "so basically thats the only reason why."

hes like "well..."

and im like "Ugh,"

so we walk twords the car and i i tell him "thats the ONLY reason you come to these things!~!!!! to FIND a HOT DATE.. and neglect your children!! To help OTHER PEOPLES children.. but neglect your own STILL!! 'OH LOOK THERES A HOT CHICK! wait thats a MAN.."

he said "I hate it when you say things like that"

and i said "WEll you know it's true dont even deny it, because that's the only thing you care about"

he also had no comment to this.

Now i mentioned before we left, while we were there, and once we were in the car.. "I need deoderant.. I am completely out.. and i cant go to fun spot without deoderant. That would be bad."

guess what? he never cared / forgot about it.. and now i have none.

I really effing hate him. now i guess im going to have to steal someone elses tomarrow..

Then i get home and sshane left me a comment saying "we should hang out... youve been away all day.".. he's been away all day with the away message "napping. please leave me a message!"

-=~*Sir Cait*~=-, 8/10/2007 11:57:51 PM:
you were away forever too. I was at coldwater at the fair

Shane, 11:58:01 PM:
lol

Shane, 11:59:41 PM:
ok, we are hanging out tomarrow

-=~*Sir Cait*~=-, 11:59:47 PM:
OK i wont be here tomarrow.

Shane, 11:59:53 PM:
why not T_T

-=~*Sir Cait*~=-, 11:59:58 PM:
fun spot i told you.

Shane, 8/11/2007 12:00:03 AM:
why do you hate me so much that we never hang out T_T

-=~*Sir Cait*~=-, 12:00:14 AM:
this has been planned for months.

Shane, 12:02:07 AM:
Status change: signed off (was Online)

WTF! WTF is this?!?!?

i HATE him apparently because my dads shop picnic is tomarrow?

i should. drop my pants to bow down and kiss his ass when he's bored!

I know he will read this and feel mad or something

but im sick of this.

Earlier this year he wanted me to drop my EXTREMELY important 'do this or im going to fail' math studies becuase he wanted someone to come over while he told the world OVER THE INTERNET that he LIKES MEN.

Then he was pissed at me for not failing math because of him..

Then the day before snoop died, he wanted to come over..

Shane, 8/6/2007 7:15:26 AM:
also, im not coming over so you can deal with your snoop trauma since you dont want my support

Shane, 7:15:28 AM:
see ya

Shane, 7:15:34 AM:
Status change: signed off (was Online)

WTF again!!
I kNEW snoop was going to die.. and i dont want him bothering me when im a snotty wet mess.. and spending my last hours with snoop. Nothing he can say or do will help snoop.. why even bother?!?!!?!?

I have other things in life to do besides my friends.... besides.. every time you guys DO come over you say "i am bored. what shall we do? lets play a video game! lets go to wendys"

maybe im tired of you being bored. I cant do anything about it. im a boring person. Im sorry. go find another more interesting freind :( Maybe im tired of video games.. and i dont have the money to spend on wendys.. and i HATE it when people spend money on /me/.

Yeah im on a depressing emo rant.. but i dont care.. im sick of life.. im sick of living.. sick of stupidity, neglect.. sick of those retards who are like "THINK OF THE POOR HOMELESS CHILDREN IN CHECKOSOLOBOKKI WHO HAVE NO HOME OR F0000D YOU LIVE LIKE A KING SO STFU WHORE!" thats why i dont ask for advice anymore. Noone has any for me. Im sick of the entire human race, and i hope they all die.

(They all will someday, which makes me glad a bit)

At the fair this one guy doing the games asked this kid "Heyy! Win a stuffed animal for your girlfreind" he stomped off and yeleld "I DONT HAVE A GIRLFRIEND, FAGGOT!"

..ugh. i want to kill him. I also want to kill the person whose ASS was hanging out because he was a size 6 wearing size 18 pants.

*STAB STAB STAB* HATE YOU ALL ;_;

Current Mood: pissed off

Well..
This morning i woke up.. at 10.. and im like "well ill get up early so perhaps emily can call or whatever"

Because of gettin up at 10.. and not 3.. i felt abnormaly angry.. I just felt like rawrawrawrwrwr for a long time.

Then Danielle came over and demanded that I help her with her myspace..

Then Shane came over..

we did various things.. it was fun..

Then i talked to Emily on the net and she said that she'd call me at 5-6 to come over ^^..

emily, 7/12/2007 2:58:31 PM:
I'm not sure how long it's gonna take, but I should be done around 5 or 6

^proof. Lol

I have some other stuff.. but thats gunna be a private entry.. if you wanna read, just log onto my account.. you know the PW XD

anyway So eventually emily never called.. and shes not on IM..

:\

So me + shane were playin stuff and we played rhapsody.. and omg ;-; im so efing jelous of cornet..

Because she <3s prince ferdenand.. and he is sooooooo cute ;-;;-;;-;-;-;-;-;;;; and awww ;-;-;-;;;;;;-;-;;;-;-;--;-;;;;;

and im jelous.. she has someone she loves.. and we find out he loves her back.. (he says so in the song?)

and im jelous.. Beacuse i dont... and 99% chance never will -_-...

And if i do get caught up in another guy... For example. Roko.. (WHO hasnt been on since the 2nd time i talked to him >_>) Kevin.. I thought we had something going there.. But the things he does is very fishy.. and.. i dont want to deal with fishy anymore... and not to mention.. Hes hardly on anymore.. When he is, he doesnt talk to me :| IRL, HAH! Noone would ever want me, IRL. Don't even go there.

Either way, it wont be anything truely..

Because of human nature.. and how i act.. i believe it is physically.. uhm.. impossible for anyone to love me for an extended period.. well pretty much for any period of time..

mentally.. Oh god.. In my dreams, I always have /my/ 'prince'.. and everythings so amazing.. I feel warm and happy and actually WANTED for once..

..which is why sleep is the only person i long for now.. The only place i dont feel pain and rejection...

I was crying a few minutes ago.. Dad's talking about snoop again.. Shes getting worse.. I dont know what to do..

I have a headache.. My eyes burn and my cheeks feel very heavy.. :\

-----

I havent mentioned this in this journal before, id ont think..

But me and shane have virtually switched roles..

He used to say "Love is fake! It doesnt exist, etc. etc." While I was deeply involved with Sp00ny..

I feel like im in that movie "just my luck"

Only, i never kissed shane to transfer my 'luck' to him.. XD (that he knows of, anyway.. im kidding XD)

Just my luck was only some stupid movie though.. Where they could transfer the luck from person to person at will.

The guy who was never lucky.. he got lucky.. he seemed so happy.. That must be how shane felt.. Well before saturday anyway? He still has someone though, even if he cant talk to them..

It's a lot more than having noone at all.

Lindsey Lohan (Who played the lucky -> unlucky girl) she dealt with it so much better.. but perhaps thats cuz............... its a stupid ass movie and theres no truth to it at all *STABS IT*

and with that, i leave you some lyrics...

Why am I always feeling down?
Why am I always so afraid?
Why? Why have I given up hope?
...
I give up hope, I just can't cope
Can't give my all much longer

... From a game called Rhapsody: A musical adventure..

...and this song from the same game, is stuck in my head XP

(Cornet)
I know that you're out there and I'm waiting for you!!!
Cornet is my name and I'm a puppeteer too
With my puppet friends there's nothing that we can't do
They are there to help me make my dreams come true
And once you get to know them they just might help you too
And all the puppets in the world will help me find my way to you
I know that you're out there and I'm waiting for you

(Kururu)
There she goes again she's so in love as if lightning struck her from above

(Cornet)
"But it did!"

(Kururu)
I love you my prince, you are my true love
Cornet, won't you stop your silly dreaming please

(Cornet)
"That's not true. Can't you see?" I'm just trying to make my dream come true

(Kururu)
"Dressed like that?"

(Cornet)
I've done everything a girl's supposed to
I take a bubble bath, even wash being my ears Oh!
All the bubbles tickle my nose but they get me squeaky clean
And when I'm done I'm looking beautiful

(Kururu)
Cornet, you are a silly girl
You must look further than just mere appearances to see
"Cornet, are you following this?"
"What's important is"
What's inside of you

(Cornet)
"What's inside of me?"

(Kururu)
Don't you understand what I am saying to you?
Look inside yourself and you will find out what is true
You must be courageous and be true to your heart
It will make you happy when you know just where to start

(Cornet)
I see it's what's inside of me

(Kururu)
"Yes, what's inside of you!"

(Cornet)
Someday I'll find my love
He'll be the one for me
I will be waiting patiently until he comes

(Kururu)
"I told you don't wait! You take the initiative!"

(Cornet)
Now I remember, think for myself

(Kururu)
"Yeah, that's it!"

(Cornet)
I know I'll find him and he will be the man of my dreams

(Both)
We'll share our lives as one until the end of time
Someday our hearts will beat as one

Current Mood: disappointed
Current Location: h3r3

To add insult to injury, Roko is on yet again.. I said hi.. I bet you guys he wont respond.

its 6am... and i cant sleep..

the worst hr of lately was between 4:30 and 5:30..

as it is the hottest day of the year... me + cory .. well.. just cory slept in the front room with the AC on..

Im layin on the floor.. and its cold cuz fan = on me.. so i throw my blanket over me..

dad alarm clock goes off.. so im 'frozen' in this position till he leaves for work.

SO he's standin in the kitchen.. IM layin on the floor.. and i start to.. well.. convulse..

but only twice..

My whole body.. just.. freaked out.. I dont even know..

then i start to get really hot.. Really really effing ungodly satanicly hot. i am dead afraid to move but soooo hot i dont even know what to do..

While i am laying there.. burning like an egg on my car in the summertime.. I am thinking..

and i thought so much stuff.. I dont know what is approprtiate for this journal.. I dont know what i have said before.. And i dont know how many angry citizens will.. well.. be angry after reading it..

as i am quite sure there is only one citizen who reads my journal on any basis.. and im quite sure he would be an angry one..

So anyway, im thinkin like.. I really dont have an interactive journal anymore.. besides myself.. I talk to myself so much anymore that it's not funny.. I hold entire conversations.. just with myself.. Mostly it happens when I dont have any other distractions.. IE: In the shower, waiting for sleep, driving, or riding.

I talk with myself.. and ask myself.. why is my dad so hatefull? Shane's mom loves him to pieces.. he's just afraid to open up to her i spoze.. Travis' mom is obsessed with travis + trevor.. wanting to go to each one of their plays each time.. telling me she is soooo proud of them.. and giggling almost like a schoolgirl.

My dad however.. I tell him that i am horridly depressed.. that i am sick.. that i am tired.... That im friggin sick + tired of pulling a snoop and juicing 24/7 now... That i need his love.. his guidance.... I need him to listen to my problems like any good parent would.. But he wont..

especially lately.

for ex: i was reading the paper and i found someone i knew that got a fine for possion of marijuana.. Now i always complain to my dad about dumbasses from school who are high, drunk, and sex up everything within reach.. He says "they are all talk. Noone does that. You're crazy"

To proove him wrong i said "See dad look here.. it says in the paper [that guy.. i dont remember his name right now o.0] got a $200 fine for possesion of mar-i-juaaaanaaaaa.. I knew him.. he talked about drugs ALL the time.. See they arent all talk they actually do it!"

then he looks up at me and says "...what did he do?"

I glare and say "Marijuana. I told you."

dad: "No you didnt"

Meh: "YES I DID I JUST READ IT FROM THE DAMN PAPER! Ill read it again.. *and i do*"

Dad: I wasnt paying any attention.

see he really doesnt care.. he does this all the time.. we were in grand rapids and i saw this car lot with a giant purple monkey on it and im like

"duuuude theres a giant purple monkeyy on that building!!!"

we drive past it..

dad figures out he took a wrong turn.. we turn around..

We drive past the purple monkey and hes like "HE~Y! thers a giant purple monkey on that roof.. haha"

and i scream at him "THATS WHAT I JSUT FRIGGIN SAID"

he doesnt pay any attention to me..

and it hurts..

and I read sooooooo many stories about "ohh my poor daugher.. i had no idea she was depressed.. i didnt recognize the signs... then she killed herself.. wah de friggin wah"

well here i am!! I am calling for help!!!

But the phones are dead.. and it's a lost cause..

The only way i can express how i feel at the moment is with this scenario..

--------------------------------------------------------
Scenario
--------------------------------------------------------

It's late at night.. 2-3am.. The temperature drops.. the heater is broken.. it's nearly 30 degrees outside.. no idea what it is inside.. as there are no lights on..
I cannot turn any lights on or i will wake /them/. If i wake /them/ it would be a very, very bad thing.

I cautiously walk around the house.. looking for warmth.. Trying to find a blanket.. To no avail.. there are no blankets.. To look for a subtitute!! The last time this happened.. I used several towels.. It worked fine.. Until it got hot out again.

I walk around the house.. looking for towels.. There are no towels.. There are no clothes.. There is nothing left in the house but bare metal, wood, and plastic..

So i sit.. in a corner of wood and plastic.. and wait.... wait for the time when it will be warm again.. But who knows when that will be?

--------------------------------------------------------
End Scenario
--------------------------------------------------------

Yeah.. im practicly a sobby mcemopants myself at the moment.. but i see no point in living..

So what if i get a job? what can i do then? move out?

If i move out? what then? Ill go to work.. go home. eat. sleep. rinse. repeat.

that is no way i want to live..

but also.. talking to myself.. staying up all night (Not by choice).. not having hardly any emotions twords anything.. and being ignored by the world isnt either..

so either way..
i lay there.. I hear my dads van start, i whip the blanket off and sit on the little couch..

trying to sleep..

thinking some more..

say "screw it." then i got up got a popsickle.. and went on here to type this..

XD I have no life..

Current Mood: scared
Current Location: here

last nighgt i waaatched tess of the d'urbevilles.. again.. and its a goood movie.. but it gets me to thinkin..

about me..

and my lurve life..

which is practicly nonexistant.

i thought last night about stuff iw anted to wrtite down here but id ont remember anymore..

I just went to bed 2 hours ago.

and i must leave in 3 more...

i have a huge math test......................
and indesign..............

and if the weathers not bad.. take back the movies and go to the garage sale..

but jesus christ the right top side of my head hurts...

not just since today.. but last night also.. it PULSATES....... with sharp intense pain that.. makes me feel like im gunna pass out...

No idea what it is.. or why..

hopefully i dont ACTUALLY pass out while driving or something.. lol thatd be funny

Cait: ".............TO MARIJUANA!!!!!!!!! TO SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODOOOOOOOOOOOO*passes out* *explode*"

lol or something.

but to put it short.

Right now my head hurts.. and i'm feeling awfully lonely..

the even sadder thing is...

That's not gunna change anytime soon :\.

Bah! humans! XD.. I hate them yet i long...

but i shall never find one as pure, innocent, hillarious, caring, in good mental status, and understanding as i'd like. >_>

which i sjust another raeson why i have lost my faith in the emotion of love.. which i have not experienced.. in a very verry long time.. with that.. the emotion of happiness.. one of which i miss the most.. so i fill my life with empty laughtre to make up for what can never be put back in its place...

hmmmm...

o.0 0.o :P

yep.. caits just ramblin again..

*shuts up and goes to bed for 2 1/2 hrs* >_>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>..................

Current Mood: stressed

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Cait's Ramblings

I'm freaking weird

Entries tagged with depression

HOLY FUCKING SHIT, THIS SCHOOL IS A JOKE.

WHY IN THE HOLY HELL OF HECK IS MY SCHOOL SO FUCKING RETARDED?

Assholes and jobs.

MOVIEZ

Cries.. really hard

:|

TODAY WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A GOOD DAY

Im pathetic :P

another T_T-tastic day....

omg.. <=\

Trickster, whhhyyyyyyyy

Nothing else anyone can do....

wahaha

Hm :\

:o :3

:(

PIssed. Again.

A very bipolar day :(

Blargg, the big red monster!

its snowing out.. again >)_>>