Blargg, the big red monster!

[caitaro]

To add insult to injury, Roko is on yet again.. I said hi.. I bet you guys he wont respond.

its 6am... and i cant sleep..

the worst hr of lately was between 4:30 and 5:30..


as it is the hottest day of the year... me + cory .. well.. just cory slept in the front room with the AC on..

Im layin on the floor.. and its cold cuz fan = on me.. so i throw my blanket over me..


dad alarm clock goes off.. so im 'frozen' in this position till he leaves for work.

SO he's standin in the kitchen.. IM layin on the floor.. and i start to.. well.. convulse..

but only twice..

My whole body.. just.. freaked out.. I dont even know..

then i start to get really hot.. Really really effing ungodly satanicly hot. i am dead afraid to move but soooo hot i dont even know what to do..

While i am laying there.. burning like an egg on my car in the summertime.. I am thinking..

and i thought so much stuff.. I dont know what is approprtiate for this journal.. I dont know what i have said before.. And i dont know how many angry citizens will.. well.. be angry after reading it..

as i am quite sure there is only one citizen who reads my journal on any basis.. and im quite sure he would be an angry one..


So anyway, im thinkin like.. I really dont have an interactive journal anymore.. besides myself.. I talk to myself so much anymore that it's not funny.. I hold entire conversations.. just with myself.. Mostly it happens when I dont have any other distractions.. IE: In the shower, waiting for sleep, driving, or riding.

I talk with myself.. and ask myself.. why is my dad so hatefull? Shane's mom loves him to pieces.. he's just afraid to open up to her i spoze.. Travis' mom is obsessed with travis + trevor.. wanting to go to each one of their plays each time.. telling me she is soooo proud of them.. and giggling almost like a schoolgirl.

My dad however.. I tell him that i am horridly depressed.. that i am sick.. that i am tired.... That im friggin sick + tired of pulling a snoop and juicing 24/7 now... That i need his love.. his guidance.... I need him to listen to my problems like any good parent would.. But he wont..

especially lately.

for ex: i was reading the paper and i found someone i knew that got a fine for possion of marijuana.. Now i always complain to my dad about dumbasses from school who are high, drunk, and sex up everything within reach.. He says "they are all talk. Noone does that. You're crazy"

To proove him wrong i said "See dad look here.. it says in the paper [that guy.. i dont remember his name right now o.0] got a $200 fine for possesion of mar-i-juaaaanaaaaa.. I knew him.. he talked about drugs ALL the time.. See they arent all talk they actually do it!"

then he looks up at me and says "...what did he do?"

I glare and say "Marijuana. I told you."

dad: "No you didnt"

Meh: "YES I DID I JUST READ IT FROM THE DAMN PAPER! Ill read it again.. *and i do*"

Dad: I wasnt paying any attention.



see he really doesnt care.. he does this all the time.. we were in grand rapids and i saw this car lot with a giant purple monkey on it and im like

"duuuude theres a giant purple monkeyy on that building!!!"

we drive past it..

dad figures out he took a wrong turn.. we turn around..

We drive past the purple monkey and hes like "HE~Y! thers a giant purple monkey on that roof.. haha"

and i scream at him "THATS WHAT I JSUT FRIGGIN SAID"

he doesnt pay any attention to me..

and it hurts..

and I read sooooooo many stories about "ohh my poor daugher.. i had no idea she was depressed.. i didnt recognize the signs... then she killed herself.. wah de friggin wah"

well here i am!! I am calling for help!!!

But the phones are dead.. and it's a lost cause..


The only way i can express how i feel at the moment is with this scenario..


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Scenario
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It's late at night.. 2-3am.. The temperature drops.. the heater is broken.. it's nearly 30 degrees outside.. no idea what it is inside.. as there are no lights on..
I cannot turn any lights on or i will wake /them/. If i wake /them/ it would be a very, very bad thing.

I cautiously walk around the house.. looking for warmth.. Trying to find a blanket.. To no avail.. there are no blankets.. To look for a subtitute!! The last time this happened.. I used several towels.. It worked fine.. Until it got hot out again.

I walk around the house.. looking for towels.. There are no towels.. There are no clothes.. There is nothing left in the house but bare metal, wood, and plastic..

So i sit.. in a corner of wood and plastic.. and wait.... wait for the time when it will be warm again.. But who knows when that will be?

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End Scenario
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Yeah.. im practicly a sobby mcemopants myself at the moment.. but i see no point in living..

So what if i get a job? what can i do then? move out?

If i move out? what then? Ill go to work.. go home. eat. sleep. rinse. repeat.

that is no way i want to live..

but also.. talking to myself.. staying up all night (Not by choice).. not having hardly any emotions twords anything.. and being ignored by the world isnt either..


so either way..
i lay there.. I hear my dads van start, i whip the blanket off and sit on the little couch..

trying to sleep..

thinking some more..

say "screw it." then i got up got a popsickle.. and went on here to type this..

XD I have no life..