![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
So as we all know I spent the night at Shanes the other day..
and i found out some very disterbing things..
some very non-asexual things... LOL
Things that never had crossed my mind.. things Ive joked about but never would even DREAM about being real..
I was watchign serenity and Zim today and such..
and it occured to me that I live in a fantasy world..
no, i dont go around talking to Zim and Mal, lol
Nor do i pretend like im driving a space ship...
But the emotional aspects..
I never see movies where.. People have friends and go out and.. have random sex.. or.. People are at their computers jackin off to lemonparty.org or anything.. Or people getting killed.. for real.. Or death in general..
Therefor... things like that dont exist for me..
My reasoning is..
My mom.. She died in '05.. It doesn't seem real to me.. Now it just seems to me as if this is how it always has been.. and nothing else ever was..
It feels as if Snoop didnt exist.. but I KNOW she did.... as it was only a few weeks ago.. and earlier I was a mess because I did think of her..
To me it seems impossible that Alex turned gay and sucked some guy in a hotel... He would NEVER do that.. in my 'fantasy' i have cooked up i guess..
People are all so...... innocent.. they dont DO bad things..
Bad things dont happen..
People.. DONT get mad.. people dont go away to college.. they dont get killed.. or.. have sex.. do.. strange things...
I think the reason i get so emotional over things i watch.. or read.. but mostly watch is because i incorporate their fantasy worlds into mine..
Because I was so obsessed with Firefly..... I added the guy who played Mal, the girl who played Kaylee... The guy who played Simon.. and Daniel Jackson from the Stargate movie...
Because I was in love with their CHARACTERS.. not them.. and i read their profiles..... and they are complete differnt people..
Like with Jason Marsden.. I love his voice with a passion.. i did email him once.. i got a response.. he seemed... Like such a typical guy..
After I found out he.. wasnt who i thought him to be, i really lost interest..
but i hate this..
I hate real life.. I want to live in my fantasy word where nothing bad happens.. I DONT want to get a job.. i dont want to have a repetitive life.. I dont want to ever have the responsibility to HAVE to have money... I KNOW ill never find love and get married.. with a REAL genuine caring.. fantasy-like person... I dont want to have.... a future..?
Lets describe said fantasy-like person.
+----+
Ideal Personality
+----+
-Nerdy, possibly nerdier than me. Would be hawt to be into programming and stuff i duno about. Knowing HTML + graphics + crap would be awesome too.
-Gaming. Yes.
-Anime. Yes.
-AWesome movies - Like sci-fi/drama/crap
-Asexual. Seriously. who wants to get hawt n naked n juicey? sounds kinda not appealing to me? LOL
-Tolerable w/ me. I know that I'm pretty much insane... random.. stuff. and ive experienced like almost nothing in my life. I'm like a little kid... and he would be willing to embrace that fact and teach me things about being an adult that I havent done myself.
-Not caring about looks.. probably his or mine. of course this is to an extent. Id still want them to take showers and crap, LOL.
-Not angry. Seriously.. people with anger problems are not fun to be around.
-Caring.. This may be a bit too far or something even "extra" but the little things are so cute and attractive, you know? Like leaving a note that says "Have a good day" or patting my head as he walks by... Or... even doing things together that arent normally co-op? like... Painting.. that would be cool.
-Loving. touching. I feel like i want to be touched a lot. I want to be held and snuggled and huggled and just loved 24/7. I long for it... Unfortunately this seems to be a trait that not many guys possess. They long for sex, i long for attention. Bleh! Stuff like.. I remember once when I was laying on my bed and we were playing a game or something and he sort of layd on my back, put his arms on it or something. That felt amazing.
-Respectful - Respectful of the things i do weird.. like not killing the fuzzies -_o. its seriously annoying, and he should understand that.
-Honest - I hate lies. With a passion of the christ. No matter what, he must be honest, and not lie to cover up stuff or try and protect my feelings.
-Trustworthy + comfortable with - Honestly, i have to feel 110% comfortable around him... Like not care about if my shirt looks okay... or if ill say the wrong things.. you know.
-Not gay. obvious reasons. Well actually. If they were gay and still wanted to do all the things i wanted to do.. like hold hands, snuggle, etc. i wouldnt care if they liked teh pen0r, lol.
-thats all i can think of atm. XD
+----+
Ideal Looks
+----+
(Looks dont matter, but this is just you know, the ideal XD)
-Taller than me, but not ghetto tall like having to duck to get into doorways
-Long hair. God long hair is hot.
-Glasses. God glasses are hawt too. lol.
-Larger built. Not like supar morbidly obese, but you know.. larger built. something bigger than me.. Squishy of some sort.. as it makes a good pillow <3
-NO NASTEH MUSCULARS STICKING OUT. EW!
Does said person exist? Nope. If they do, theyd be eitehr a.) gay or b.) taken. sooo... ima give up looking. Its gunna come to me naturally or it wont happen. Thats prolly how it should be i guess... Till then focus on friends and happiness.. and ignore the intense urge to snuggle nearest object, LMAO.
I think thats why i am how i am.. I dont do anything for myself.. because i need... shows.. and books to do it for me.. They evoke all of my feelings when NOTHING else can... They give me direction.. they give me MEANING..
It's no wonder i feel so lost when someone doesnt tell me what to do.. when sp00ny hugged me and i just stood there... when he said "you can hug me back now, you know".. because it wasnt really a hug i think. It was just... you know, like one of those fake hugs that was likeeee... funeral hug. it wasnt real. i didnt wanna hug back. it was natural to stand there.
because i LONG for the love from... fictional places..? the only place love can truely be unconditional and true...?
I feel so confused.. when sp00ny tried to... well.. show affection? Or maybe it wasnt affection and i just gotit wrong? i didnt know what to do because in the shows, people do it FOR 'me'... but not.. for me.. you know?
I didnt have to... think..
and im soooo scared because people in the real world arent fiction they have REAL feelings which can REALLY be hurt... i have a great fear of people hating me.. of me hurting their feelings..
I never talk to anyone.. i never tell people my TRUE opinions.. because i dont know what they are and.. i dont want to hurt them... when i do think i have an opinion..
This entry is soo weird.. and.. I kept trying to get the idea down but i kept forgetting it.. I start typing but i FORGET IT!!! I forget so many things..
I just hope it doesnt get as bad as ive seen other people.. in the bathroom forgetting to turn the water off after washing their hands.. that will be the day... ugh.. When i may not be able to stand myself anymore...
Like in games.. I have emotes to express 'my feelings' in my hamtaro game, i had many love emots.. i used them.. without even THINKING... because its fantasy.. its not real.. it never happened >_< But thats as real as love can get for me because its all i know?
>_< i wish i could talk to marianne about these things!! but i FORGET and even if i do remember.... i get mixed up.. blarg... or start then forget..
I feel so horrible.. i might just go to bed :|..... as... IN my awake state, is almost like a dreaming state.. and my dreaming state.. is LIKE.. my life... Its so much better. bleh, depressed.
and i found out some very disterbing things..
some very non-asexual things... LOL
Things that never had crossed my mind.. things Ive joked about but never would even DREAM about being real..
I was watchign serenity and Zim today and such..
and it occured to me that I live in a fantasy world..
no, i dont go around talking to Zim and Mal, lol
Nor do i pretend like im driving a space ship...
But the emotional aspects..
I never see movies where.. People have friends and go out and.. have random sex.. or.. People are at their computers jackin off to lemonparty.org or anything.. Or people getting killed.. for real.. Or death in general..
Therefor... things like that dont exist for me..
My reasoning is..
My mom.. She died in '05.. It doesn't seem real to me.. Now it just seems to me as if this is how it always has been.. and nothing else ever was..
It feels as if Snoop didnt exist.. but I KNOW she did.... as it was only a few weeks ago.. and earlier I was a mess because I did think of her..
To me it seems impossible that Alex turned gay and sucked some guy in a hotel... He would NEVER do that.. in my 'fantasy' i have cooked up i guess..
People are all so...... innocent.. they dont DO bad things..
Bad things dont happen..
People.. DONT get mad.. people dont go away to college.. they dont get killed.. or.. have sex.. do.. strange things...
I think the reason i get so emotional over things i watch.. or read.. but mostly watch is because i incorporate their fantasy worlds into mine..
Because I was so obsessed with Firefly..... I added the guy who played Mal, the girl who played Kaylee... The guy who played Simon.. and Daniel Jackson from the Stargate movie...
Because I was in love with their CHARACTERS.. not them.. and i read their profiles..... and they are complete differnt people..
Like with Jason Marsden.. I love his voice with a passion.. i did email him once.. i got a response.. he seemed... Like such a typical guy..
After I found out he.. wasnt who i thought him to be, i really lost interest..
but i hate this..
I hate real life.. I want to live in my fantasy word where nothing bad happens.. I DONT want to get a job.. i dont want to have a repetitive life.. I dont want to ever have the responsibility to HAVE to have money... I KNOW ill never find love and get married.. with a REAL genuine caring.. fantasy-like person... I dont want to have.... a future..?
Lets describe said fantasy-like person.
+----+
Ideal Personality
+----+
-Nerdy, possibly nerdier than me. Would be hawt to be into programming and stuff i duno about. Knowing HTML + graphics + crap would be awesome too.
-Gaming. Yes.
-Anime. Yes.
-AWesome movies - Like sci-fi/drama/crap
-Asexual. Seriously. who wants to get hawt n naked n juicey? sounds kinda not appealing to me? LOL
-Tolerable w/ me. I know that I'm pretty much insane... random.. stuff. and ive experienced like almost nothing in my life. I'm like a little kid... and he would be willing to embrace that fact and teach me things about being an adult that I havent done myself.
-Not caring about looks.. probably his or mine. of course this is to an extent. Id still want them to take showers and crap, LOL.
-Not angry. Seriously.. people with anger problems are not fun to be around.
-Caring.. This may be a bit too far or something even "extra" but the little things are so cute and attractive, you know? Like leaving a note that says "Have a good day" or patting my head as he walks by... Or... even doing things together that arent normally co-op? like... Painting.. that would be cool.
-Loving. touching. I feel like i want to be touched a lot. I want to be held and snuggled and huggled and just loved 24/7. I long for it... Unfortunately this seems to be a trait that not many guys possess. They long for sex, i long for attention. Bleh! Stuff like.. I remember once when I was laying on my bed and we were playing a game or something and he sort of layd on my back, put his arms on it or something. That felt amazing.
-Respectful - Respectful of the things i do weird.. like not killing the fuzzies -_o. its seriously annoying, and he should understand that.
-Honest - I hate lies. With a passion of the christ. No matter what, he must be honest, and not lie to cover up stuff or try and protect my feelings.
-Trustworthy + comfortable with - Honestly, i have to feel 110% comfortable around him... Like not care about if my shirt looks okay... or if ill say the wrong things.. you know.
-Not gay. obvious reasons. Well actually. If they were gay and still wanted to do all the things i wanted to do.. like hold hands, snuggle, etc. i wouldnt care if they liked teh pen0r, lol.
-thats all i can think of atm. XD
+----+
Ideal Looks
+----+
(Looks dont matter, but this is just you know, the ideal XD)
-Taller than me, but not ghetto tall like having to duck to get into doorways
-Long hair. God long hair is hot.
-Glasses. God glasses are hawt too. lol.
-Larger built. Not like supar morbidly obese, but you know.. larger built. something bigger than me.. Squishy of some sort.. as it makes a good pillow <3
-NO NASTEH MUSCULARS STICKING OUT. EW!
Does said person exist? Nope. If they do, theyd be eitehr a.) gay or b.) taken. sooo... ima give up looking. Its gunna come to me naturally or it wont happen. Thats prolly how it should be i guess... Till then focus on friends and happiness.. and ignore the intense urge to snuggle nearest object, LMAO.
I think thats why i am how i am.. I dont do anything for myself.. because i need... shows.. and books to do it for me.. They evoke all of my feelings when NOTHING else can... They give me direction.. they give me MEANING..
It's no wonder i feel so lost when someone doesnt tell me what to do.. when sp00ny hugged me and i just stood there... when he said "you can hug me back now, you know".. because it wasnt really a hug i think. It was just... you know, like one of those fake hugs that was likeeee... funeral hug. it wasnt real. i didnt wanna hug back. it was natural to stand there.
because i LONG for the love from... fictional places..? the only place love can truely be unconditional and true...?
I feel so confused.. when sp00ny tried to... well.. show affection? Or maybe it wasnt affection and i just gotit wrong? i didnt know what to do because in the shows, people do it FOR 'me'... but not.. for me.. you know?
I didnt have to... think..
and im soooo scared because people in the real world arent fiction they have REAL feelings which can REALLY be hurt... i have a great fear of people hating me.. of me hurting their feelings..
I never talk to anyone.. i never tell people my TRUE opinions.. because i dont know what they are and.. i dont want to hurt them... when i do think i have an opinion..
This entry is soo weird.. and.. I kept trying to get the idea down but i kept forgetting it.. I start typing but i FORGET IT!!! I forget so many things..
I just hope it doesnt get as bad as ive seen other people.. in the bathroom forgetting to turn the water off after washing their hands.. that will be the day... ugh.. When i may not be able to stand myself anymore...
Like in games.. I have emotes to express 'my feelings' in my hamtaro game, i had many love emots.. i used them.. without even THINKING... because its fantasy.. its not real.. it never happened >_< But thats as real as love can get for me because its all i know?
>_< i wish i could talk to marianne about these things!! but i FORGET and even if i do remember.... i get mixed up.. blarg... or start then forget..
I feel so horrible.. i might just go to bed :|..... as... IN my awake state, is almost like a dreaming state.. and my dreaming state.. is LIKE.. my life... Its so much better. bleh, depressed.
