Cait's Ramblings

so been yellin at dad cuz he wont takea day off to go to college..

i asked him to do it a month ago and he said "ok"and hes like "well you can go in there by yourself"" and im like "um i dont think so i cant pay for it" "youre the one so you have to go or else theyll make me pick out classes and you only have 72hrs or else theyll call a colelctors and then everything will just be messed up... you cant take an effing HOUR out of your dad to go.. and omg.."

hes like "YOU, YOU, YOU"

and im like "YOU DIDNT, YOU DIDNT, YOU DIDNT"



so now im upset and crying.. and suppers done, but im not going out there..


i told them "I dont wanna go to school, the onyl reason i want a job is so i can pay for this crap then when i get done i dont even know what ill do then.. Cuz i DOTN wannado anything anymore.. nothing at all.."



and its true..


I dont want to do anything. I dont wanna go to school, ive been there enough in my life.. I dont want a job, what the hell do i need money for?



'oh to move out' right?

no

what would happen if i moved out?

i would go to work.. get to MY house.. exist.. eat ramen.. sleep, and go back to work!!!


WHY would i wanna do that EVER???!?!?!? i WOULDNT!!

I know thats how many peoples life is..

But i dont wanna be like other people..

When i was at shanes house..

His mom would go to bed at 10, wake up in the morning.. come home at like 4.. watch tv cook supper.. watch tv.. and go to bed..

If i had to live like that, i would kill myself.. it's not living.. It's slaving away to make money so you have a roof over your head..


I duno

I hate the way stuff works.

I know it's totally unavoidable.. im going to have ti someday

but what do i have to live for? I have nothing.

I dont wanna be anything when i 'grow up', I have no special 'people' in my life, I have no animals that need me..

my dad and cory hate me..

i have NOTHING...

and i hate it..

Im pretty much a waste of space... cory + dad always have more fun when i'm gone... when i'm gone to someones house im so effing lame i dont know what to do.. anything at all..

im such a horrible friend.. a horrible entertainer.. i cant even make people laugh anymore.. (could i ever?)... horrid daughter and sister.. I dont LIKE anything at all.. im like a sheep i do the bidding of whoever comes along to be my 'shepard'...

...lately i have no 'shepards'.. people tell me to be my own shepard.. but i cant.. id have to completely transform who i am..

..I'd like to do that very much though.. but i cant.. i just suck and..

I'm not going on IM anymore.. none of them.. it's pointless.

I need to ban myself from myspace + facebook.. I dont do anything all day but check it.. check it for messages that are never going to be sent.. friend requests that will never be requested.

i make it SOOOO easy to get ahold of me, yet NOONE does.. out of the 6 years ive spent on the internet.. in communities EVERY single effing day...... noone of them still... CARE enough to 'hunt me down' although it's not HARD.. you search for any amount of things related to me.. and you will find me, and everything..

There's no point.. I need to grow the hell up.. but i cant... I need some sort of dramatic change in my life to even start anything.. I need.... a mentor... a 'big brother/big sister' for emotionally challenged teenagers.


If i was any 'regular' teenager, id prolly go on and on *cough*likejoeXD*cough* about how ohh iwant to kill myself.. ohh i have a blaade in my hand.. whatever.

But i dont want to kill myself, i just want to simply ceast to exist. To never been born.

:|