caitaro | ...so... incredibly.. .. just.. ..blah.

... i feel so happy at school because people care about me..

and i get home and im just bashed to the ground like a red ant...and i feel so hopeless and worthless....

so today at JCC was great... i got all my questions answered... i took a tour of the place and its such a friendly environment..

me and mrs. hartley talked about various things..

and one of them was she asked me if i was going to have an open house..

and me and dad discussed this before...
he said
"It has to be fancy.. you have to get a caterer and book a place 6 months in advance and spend a billion dollars on food and renting tents and whatever... and I doesnt want anyone in the house because im soooo ashamed of it.."

mrs. hartley said that it DOESNT have to be fancy.. that i could set up a few tents... like the ones we have for the bunnies now... and maybe borrow a few picnic tables from the neighbors and have hotdogs on the grill and that open houses are for the person who is GRADUATING.. and not for the food or the fancyness..

So i told dad what mrs. hartley said.. and he just walked off to his room... when he came out... i said "so.. is that like.. doable?"
and he friggin screamed "UM.. NO.... we ALREADY Discussed THIS!!!.. We CANT DO IT.. Espcially because its just TWO WEEKS AWAY!!! It DISGUSTS me.. that you wait until the last minute... i TOLD you to be thinking about this and you SAIIDD 'nooo i dont want one..'"
and i said "BUT YOU SAID IT HAD TO BE FANCY AND YOU HAD TO HAVE CATERERS AND BOOK PLACES 6 MONTHS IN ADVANCE.."
he said
"I NEVER /SAID/ It had to be FANCY!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i said "YES YOU DID!!!!!! and what about YOU!@?! WHO waited to get senior pics till NOW!?!?"
he said "Umm.. YOU SAID.. that you DIDNT WANT THEM... BESIDES.. we dont have TIME or MONEY To go rent out tents.. besiddes we DONT even have a YARD!!!"
i said "so whats that over there?" and i pointed out in back of the propane tank.
and he said "...Thats a growed up hill.. that slants downwards."
...at that point.. i was extremely... .... disgusted myself..
Really.... Really.. just..

I never said i didnt want an open house. I said i didnt want one if we didnt have the time or money for one..
I never said i didnt want senior pics. EVER. i NEVER said that WHATSOEVER.. The only thing i said that was even close to that was that i didnt like my pics... i NEVER EVER said i didnt want to get them because i know my friends would want some. And i definatly wanted to give some to mr. loveless and mrs. hartley.. They have helped me so much... without them.. i would succumb to my dad's evil wishes of me becoming a failure... I really would have.. Now i kind of have a glimmer of hope of becoming something.. it's extremely faint.. but its there.. Before all i had was a large black hole spiraling twords me, and i was so.. soo incredibly close to the event horizon of no return. When im at home... the event horizon increases in size.. at school i feel so happy and hopefull. it greatly upsets me to think about 2 weeks from now...I wont ever be going back.. and ill be stuck edging ever so close to that event horizon... and i wont ever get to feel that temporary glimmer of hope ever again.. I think that is the most depressing thing.. that has ever happened to me... Yes more depressing than my stupid mom's death. I really dont care about her.. she hated me, regardless of what anyone says.

My dad is so neglectfull. Not physically... not totally emotionally.. but partially emotionally and chronicly...
He still treats me as if i am in elementary... yet he expects me to act like a full grown adult..
Sure i have incredibly self control and discipline... but.. i knowledge of life.. My ability to think and function as a normal human being is 0.
Before my mom died... I had no clue WHATSOEVER.. as to how to do the laundry. No flippin idea.. Now i do somewhat... I do the laundry occasionally... My dad usually does it before i get home from school. Then he yells at me because i didnt do it. How the frick can i do it... when he already did it before i got home? My parents never gave me 'the talk'. They never taught me about puberty. if it wasnt for school, i would be flippin out as things happeend to me. My parents never supported me in anything i did. They never pushed me. I pushed myself. I push myself every day. I have to push to get out of bed in the morning. I have to push to get good grades. I have to push to go home at night, knowing it will end in arguments and anger. I have to push myself to control my anger. Push to continue living... Now everyone expects me to keep doing that.. Only now i have to push my dad to let me go to college. I have to push to get a job. To get an education. To get money so that my dad can just steal it from me. I'm scared. I'm scared of the future and of my dad. Im scared of having noone to help me. Scared of having to push just to exist... But.. my dad wont let me drive. He says that i cant drive the van because its falling apart. and we can only drive the car to long distant places like jackson or battle creek. Then he says i cant drive to jackson becasue it's too hard for me. Often he says i cant drive to hillsdale (with no construction) on friday nights because its "too hard for me". So yeah. Im 17 and i cant drive. I have a car. But i cant drive. I need 30 more hours to even think about taking the driving test. Yep. Thats right. Since i was 14 i have only drivien a total of 30 hours... Pretty sad from a normal teenger's view point.
My dad won't let me realy go anywhere... I wanted to go to Chicago to see sp00ny. He wont let me because he thinks i will get raped. Sp00ny doesnt even live IN chicago. Its like.. Okay.. how many people get raped in like.. say.. hillsdale. I suppose sp00ny's town is about the equivalent of hillsdale. I dont know. ive never been there. I probably never will. I dont know what my dad has in store for me. Sometimes i think he's hiding something from me.. That there's a huge factor that i am being included in that i have totally and completely missed. Many things he says and does makes no sense. it makes as much sense as stupid h1Os. So i guess because of my lack of knowledge of life... that i never grew up.. in terms of personality. I have generally always been very quiet.. and i have my priorities strait.. I have the ability to understand some things are more important than others. I know right from wrong.. But when it comes to doing adult things... i have no clue.. where to start.. ask me how to drive? I dont know.. ask me how to get a job? i dont know... What to do when your car dies? no idea. Taxes? What are taxes? IRS? whats the irs? bills? how do you pay them? how do you act at formal occasions? No clue.. when is something considered a formal occasion? i duno! how can you tell when like.. clothes match or anything? Does dad care? Nope. He just smokes on along with his cigarettes and spends 40$ on HIS BIRTHDAY on beer for his peers that he hasnt seen in over 20 years. Then he comes home and claims not to be drunk. But he obviously is disoriented. he doesnt remember how much he spent that day. was it 40$ or 20$? HMMM he doesnt know... The next morning he wakes up and says "it feels like someone smoked me with an arrow in my head" yeah dad. its called a hangover. Thats what happens when you get drunk. I am extremely.. dissapointed in him. For lying to me. And drinking. Drinking is pointless. It kills brain cells. Its a way for you to escape from reality while slowly making you stupider. People that cant deal with reality are stupid. I know i cant deal with reality. But does that mean i go out and get drunk and or high and just explode everywhere? nope. i suck it up and deal with it.. even though it makes me emotionally unstable. Dad left about 20 minutes ago to go to van werts to pick up my pictures. I dread when he comes back. When he gets back he's going to whine and complain about the price. and how ugly i am. and how much of a falure i am..

all my life i've been told "NO" and "you'll NEVER amount to anything" and "you're a FAILURE" im going to proove them wrong.. i hope... if i just have some help and a few pushes......... I guess this weekend i'll have to prepare my self emotionally to the fact that after thursday next week.. im pretty much on my own... I'll pretty much have no help ever again... and i cannot seek help because we live miles away from civilization.. and i cant drive.. and my relatives are dead and / or dont have anything to do with us. we have no friends. Im stuck with my dad and brother as my only means of communication for the rest of my life. Eventually my dad will die.. and when that happens cory will definatly leave me. Then I'll have noone... Illl be lost in a void of nothingness.. I think mentally I'll be for the most part... ... at least sane enough not to do anything drastic until then.. But then... more than likely i will crack and who knows what i will do...

For the safety of all humanity. If anyone gets word of my dad's death, please.. come get me.. and put me into a nice.. padded room.. with no hard surfaces or sharp objects...

I duno... kind of like the whole tooter thing.. Tooter's sick. Dad doesnt care. He just wants to shoot my cats. He's always saying that he is going to kill retard. Retard im not so concerned about because retard is stupid. But he says hes going to kill travis. and he lets tooter suffer... When the cats puke on the floor he always says how he's going to get rid of them.. back when we had tinker... he actually.. got out his gun and chased her with it.. But.. like tooter, I am sick.... Noone believes me.. but i am.. with all my internal organ problems.. and i got this rash on my hand this morning. Yesterday it wasnt red or anything and it didnt hurt.. today it was red this morning. By 1st hour it was red and brown.. and now.. its super red with what looks like big brown freckles and a ton of little bright red speckles... which is evil.. >_>... and then i have some major chemical inbalances goin on in my brain.. and i think i may have meningiomas. When i can, i watch mystery diagnosis so that perhaps i can see what is going on and meningiomas sounds like my symptoms. in addition it says it occurs more often with post menopausal changes.. Which i have been experiencing from time to time. and yes i am only 17...

after reading a bit.. um.. it sounds like i may have the variation, Foramen magnum meningioma.

Definition:
These meningiomas occur at the base of the skull where the top of the spinal cord is located. They generally cause their symptoms by compressing the brainstem or upper spinal cord. Primary symptoms include a hoarse voice, swallowing difficulties, balance problems, or weakness and numbness in the arms and legs.
Well.. ive noticed that in my skull at the base of it in the back.. the right side is noticably larger than the left side... last week.. for no apprent reason whatsoever my voice was extremely hoarse.. i could barely talk that one friday. I've always had difficulty swallowing... like.. foreign objects like pills.. Lately also.. ive noticed balance problems.. Ill be standing up or walking and i kinda tip over a bit and i stumble so that i dont fall over.. Like today in ag.. i went to put the books away and i started to tip and stumbed to maintain balance. Other times this year, I randomly fall to the ground... hehe.. i call this that whiteface commands me to bow before her :P~ But this has only happened twice, where i actually fell completely to the ground.. Once in art and once at quiz bowl. yesterday it almost happened at lunch but i caught myself. ive also noticed weakness in my arms sometimes.. The other day i had the hardest time opening a bottle of pop. it was brand new so noone put it on too tight.. :\ other times i feel that i simply can NOT lift things..

also a really.. really big one right now is my short term memory. My memory hasnt been super ever.. but lately its been getting worse.. and its gradually getting worser..
You know.. it starts out.. your doing something.. you remember something else you gotta do.. you finish up what you're doing.. then go do the other thing.. well sometimes i do that.. i remember.. then i finish doing the SECTION of whatever im doing.. then i go do the other thing and i have no idea what it was. No clue. Like i said yesterday. Im in the middle of conversations and i forget what im talking about. I opened up the recipe cupboard and forgot why i was in there.. what i was looking for.. Yesterday i could NOT remember how to spell cupboard at ALL... i was like.. cubord? noo.. cuboard? noo... cupbord?? nooo.... it was so stressfull.. and it continues to be stressfull.. If there's one thing in the world i dont want to loose its my ability to think... and remember.. and learn.. and i fear that im losing that... which also is depressing... well dads back now.. so i spoze i gotta be yelled at now.. so ill talk to people later i guess..... jebus ive been working on this since about 3:40....