Sleepless...

[caitaro]

Cant sleep again..

Been thinkin about things again.. Not shane this time..

But rather doubting my sanity.. Wondering who the hell i am... wondering if shane and travis have ever seen ME before.. and not just the person i become when other people are around...

worrying about whitey.. Her voice is all messed up.. and shes coughing.

If she dies.....

..im overreacting...

Why do i always do that?

I check on my dad.. and my brother.. and travis when he spends the night. Im paranoid. I have to keep checking on them to make sure they arent dead. I know they arent.. and theres not a high chance at all that they are.. but i HAVE to check..

I thought about cory.. hes getting perfect attendance 2 years in a row.. Why didnt I do that? Becuase I was sick. I'm never sick though.

Not with common things. I hardly ever get a cold or flu or whatever. No, I get... mornings where I gag constantly for no reason. I cough constantly.. Constantly unless I have something to suck on..

I get Incontinence. at 19... but ive had it.. for years now. thats something old ladies get. Not 19 year olds with a billion other problems.

and these stupid.. huge sores i get on my stomache.. it is soo uncomfortable to wear underwear, its not even funny.. it hurts.. and on the side of my arms.. uncomfortable to wear tablecloths.. it hurts..

and i constantly itch.. every where.. all the time.. the big places are under my nose and my head. I duno why..... but its constant.. im always touching myself.. I cant sit still.. i hate it..

all this stuff just... Builds up and it sucks so bad and noone can do anything about it... well, soemone might but i cant get it fixed or even looked at cuz SOME FUCKER IN THE US invented huge doctor bills.


sure its nothing HUGEEE like cancer or anything.. and people just brush it off as me being a fucking hypochondriac.. but it sucks.. its ruining my life. My physical life.

Its bad enogh my emotional life has come to a standstill, and yet on the other hand, is bouncing off the walls.

Part of me.. hates mankind. All of them. And couldnt be happier if I was the only one left in the world. Thats who I am most of the time.

THe 2 places i do most of my thinking.. the shower and my bed... I turn into.. someone CRAVING human interaction.. CRAVINg a relationship.. craving MORE.. but as soon as i get it. as soon as i may have a potential relationship (Aka sp00ny)

the other person kicks in.. and i just have no idea what to do.. He hugged me and I STOOD THERE.. and i DIDNT KNOW WHAT TO DO..

I lack ALL instincts regarding this subject. Sure i have the.. eat-poop-breathe instincts but thats it.

As far as Im concerned as long as i can do those 3 things, im good. Yet at the same time im not..

AND I HATE THINKING ABOUT THIS ALL THE FRICKING TIME!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm going nuts and... I just cant do anything about anything and i feel so helpless and hopeless.. and afraid that one day im just gunna die.. or other people will die.. or one day these heart pains I have are going to be something serious and im just gunna sit there dying and im not going to scream or yell or even tell anyone, because ive dealt with it for so long... and even if i do, they are going to say "oh its nothing" because even if it is something we dont have the money to get it checked out.

thats how low the US has sank. and im either going to die in some horrible, painfull, silent way.. or go crazy and off myself.. because of it.

and i am so scared.