*sigh*

[caitaro]

Sp00ny was being very uncooperative today

hes like..
"It scares me when you obsess over me,,":

"HOw"

"i duno"

"gimme an example"

*I duno"

"Like say "it scares me when you do *insert act here*""

"Ok"

*silence*

"Well?"

*silence*

"Im going to bed bye"

*DEATH*



i think he just hates me altogether and doesnt awant to hurt my feelings


but i could be wrong..

i prolly am..

BUT

EXPECT THE WORST HOPE FOR THE BEST

while im in the 'expect the worst" mood..

he could

- be cheating on me

-hate me

-think im annoying

-doesnt like me physically (who WOULD? o-O)

-fed up with me

-found someone he likes better

-would rather be alone

-needs his personal space to explore other options

-rather play video games than me


;_;

i suppose.. he just doesnt care for me the same way i care for him..
cuz like

he said

"i couldnt live with being with 1 person only id go insane"

omg if im not WITH one person only i WOULD go insane!!!!!

in fact i already amM! w00t w00t but anyways..

There goes my plans out the window of putting a leash on him.. living with him on a deserted island.. keeping him from, his freinds.. esp the girls >_>....

i know im selfish.. but i love him and i dont want to lose him because theres SOO many other people out there that are SOO much better than me and im so scared hes gunna find one of them and just leave me.. then what would i do?

i dont even want to think about it..
Shane'll never like me..
Travis is.. well travis.. 
I cant go back to alex..
My future would hold no certainty at all.
what if dad dies? He prolly will soon... and then what? ill have noone.. i dont have any family.. I barelty have freiends.. the only people i can turn to are my pets.. which they arent any help..

i feeel so helpless and alone in the world.. its depressing.. and makes me want to not live.. and.. *sigh* well.

i wish someone would obsess over meee...

But the only people who do are ugly boys with curly hair and dont take a bath/shower  for weeks at a timeee ;_;;;;

WHY WHITEFACE

WHY MUST YOU HATE ME SO!?!?

WHY MUST YOU CURSE MY LIFE WITH SUCH MISFORTUNES THAT MAKE ME CRY EVERY NIGHT?!?!?!

*sob*


i suppose.. well dont take any of this seriously as if im going to die soon.. its just a random act of boredom.. i know mom made one of these sort of.. but.. i suppose if i were to die suddenly XD (as if id be so lucky..) youd have some guidelines..

THIS IS PURELY OUT OF BOREDOM.. so dont get all emotional abou tit..

while im being so negative..
ill make alist of things i want done when i die
(like anyone would ever read it if i ever did die...)
Id realy want everything as cheap as possible.. but.. if i could id like to have a purple casket.. (hehe sparkly but that'll never happen) but liek a deep purple.. .. i kinda like'd moms casket.. pink stripes.. but.. whatever works out to be cheapest will be ok.. even if its baby poop green..
id wanna be buried.. in... hmm *thinks*.... prolly my black cedar point tshirt with some jeans.. the ones with the sparkle things or the one with the yellow strings on the belt loops...
umm i wouldnt want my hair to be in a pony tail or anything.. just laying our in front of me like how it always is.. no makeup or jewelry WHATSOEVER.. not EVEN lipstick or ANYTHING.. im such against such things.. .. if shane would permit.. id like his crystal necklace though.. i really always liked that.. 
umm.. WHERE to be buried.. id like it to be.. near  mom.. but thats prolly impossible..  or.. by where sp00ny'd be.. or i duno.. anywhere cheap i suppose..
as far as music playing.. id like switchfoot - the beautiful letdown..(album)  those lyrics are so.. uplifting.. hilary duff - metamorphosis.. (album) um.. prolly some video game music or anime music.. you should let my freinds pick out stuff they know what i like.. um..  for flowers.. i like.... snapdragons.. thats like  a plant though o-O but. i liked those day lilies (i think?) that mom had.. the big ones with white on the outside and pink on the inside..  and anything purple prolly.. um..
umm.. for pictures.. i suppose you could put up my senior pic.. for the love of god dont put any of me naked as a kid.. um.. some of my art could be displayed.. i like the pic of me and sp00ny on the island..
People id want to be there.. are..  Sp00ny.. shane..shanes mom.. travis..Taryn (maybe..) Dad.. cory..Mr. loveless.. mrs. hartley.. mr. fowler (?) Miss vancise.. danielle losh.. victoria.. victorias mom.. diana + charlie. george.. mel.. ron + mo..grandpa.. (other family memebrs that i duno @_@) um..  maybe you could bring whiteface and snoop and have they run around the place? XD doubtful but eh.. i duno of anyone else.. if im forgetting you.. im sorry @_@.. um..
people to tell on the internt.. would be. Chris horte.. (CdogX).. Steve Pelcovits in Rhode Island.. (he dont go on intenret anymore).. Max Bodaly(SP?).. taryn..  omni (profiller9) Ivan (ivanarcher) jace.. (irritatedavavado/yoshibot2).. mike (century0).. Danny.. (dvgba.. but hes not ever on..).. Abu.. Bijou.. Sandy.. Sauce (like he'd care @_@) Alex.. darkblaze (maybe?).. ahh prolly alot more people i dont remember right now im kinda upset..

I wouldnt like.. alot of people to be sad over me.. im just a human.. and i was a bad one at that.. im physically.. a girl.. but mentally neither.. i dont think like alot of humans do.. i never really LIKED alot of other humans.. The few i do have.. shane.. sp00ny.. travis.. i cherish them with all my heart.. i like them so.. its considered obsesseive.. and it scares them that i like them so much.. but they dont UNDERSTAND.. that i have had such few love in my live.. that i just wana GIVE AND GIVE AND GIVE.. but.. i duno it scares them..

um.. id like that poem i wrote to be displayed XP.. the mending hearts in my pink journal.. uhm.. thats the only good thing i ever wrote.. and THAT sucked XD.. but.. um

i would like to be remembered forever in 1 form or another =| i dont want to be just another person.. who lived.. and died.. and everyone forgets....
maybe someone could write a story about my life.. (but noone really know alot about my life..)) and publish it in a book.. or something.. but jebus..

lol.. this .. whole death thing.. was basically for entertainment purposes only.. but hey.. i gotbored and figured.. if i did happen to hit the bucket everyone wouldnt be clueless..

SO.. im going to remove comments from this post cuz i dont want anyone benig like "ohh j00r not gnna die' or "OOOOOHHHHHHhh you shouldnt think about these things" or some shiz like that..

but anyways

i got myself all depressed and upset now..
thinkin about mom.. death.. sp00ny..
i cried while writing that :\

but anyways...

stuff =3
im gunna take my meds tongiht cuz i have a feeling its gunne be hard to get to sleep tonight..


<3 Cait