Cait's Ramblings

Yeah i totally forgot what i was going to write this note about

/sigh.

so i will take this time to do a mini-rant that i would do in my main journal but ive done like 8347 entries today so ill do one here! :O buit im guna post it here anwyay

an episode of grey's anatomy got me thinking...

Derek said something about maybe meredith is only in relationships to expereince the "HIGH" of the relationship... and that when the high is over, then she starts going emo... and the relationship ends.

This got me thinking..

I think thats how all relationships are O.O.. people are in them for the HIGH of it..


If not all relationships, then just mine.

When you meet someone fresh, you get excited and you are happy and hyper and you wanna talk to them for ever and ever..

after awhile, youve talked about damn near everything... and it seems rather mediocre.. and then i just.. dont talk to that person anymore.. Yet i move on to someone else and BAM the high is back.. just like before.

I dont think its love. It's the high.

I long for the high.. the high that a potential relationship brings.. The chase of it.. talking to whoeever on MSN/AIM.. making them like me.. heheh watching them slowly admit their feelings for me.

Without showing someone my picture... on the 'net i can make damn near anyone whos not an idiot fall in love with me.. Ive done it just for kicks and giggles.. and often unintentionally...

But yeah, i think its entertaining.. and part of the high.. and In the event i accept.. its just a whole nother level of the "high"

Im in a relationship with some random d00d on the internet.. (of course after i get to know them VERY well so its not really RANDOM random) and i feel like i have a purpose in life.. i feel wanted.. i dont feel useless. just a side effect.

Do i really love the person? No.. I dont think so. I do it for the high and just tel myself that it's love.

Maybe thats why i stopped doing it long ago. I knew something was wrong.

and since then i've whined and complained because OHHHh i feel so neglected and whatnot cuz NOOOoooone loves me.. Its just withdrawl... withdrawl from the high.

Because that was so long ago, ive gotten over the withdrawl.. REALIZED it was withdrawl..

draggin around the house, goin to school every once in awhile.. being all emo cuz of withdrawl.

Now that i dont need it, ive gotten over the withdrawl and i dont believe in going back... to the high of a relationship, only to experience the withdrawl later.

cons outweight the pros.

But then this leaves me to.. can i ever really truely love someone?? Minus the high?? I'm not sure.. and I dont think so. I tried that relationship with Blind from trickster.. I eventually stopped signing on... because i didnt get that high.. It wasnt cuz shes was a girl... But I was practicly forced into that one. I didnt want to make it work.. because i felt nothing. it wasnt rewarding.

and then that leads me to.. can we really do anything for someone and and MEAN it if its not rewarding??

Is the only way to do something and not be selfish is if you do something you DONT enjoy but it has no reward for you?

why am i even thinking about this?

am i crazy??

YES!!!

but with what? :o