Aug. 16th, 2011

eep

Aug. 16th, 2011 08:09 pm
caitaro: (Default)
Woke up about an hour ago and couldnt breathe very well.. Anything more than a shallow breath made my left side under my ribcage just explode... and i couldnt roll over at all..... Seems to be better now, but i am shaking and scared and prolly wont be able to sleep.... Sigh...
caitaro: (Default)
stolen fron Traci, lol



BEWARE! This is very long and rambley. Ifyou make it all the way through, ill draw you a ribbon of congradulations, LOLOL!



1.) Daniel is my first and only irl relationship I've ever been in... and Should remain so, as we're gunna get married... eventually. xD



2.) I created and maintain the #1 guild (Firefly) in the MMO, Trickster Online.. It's been the #1 guild for years now. ( http://trickster.ntreev.net/Rankings/Guild/2/0 )

3.) I'm afraid of everything... At any given time, I'm probably afraid of something. One of the things I'm afraid of most, is having people mad/upset with me.. Even if they aren't, if I think they are / could be.. I'm really afraid of them... To the point I will avoid them instead if I have the oppurtunity.. (I avoided my best friend for years because of this, which turned out to be a misunderstanding... I suck really. lol)



4.) Most likely I have Aspergers. (significant difficulties in social interaction, along with restricted and repetitive patterns of behavior and interests. / People who are very quirky about things)... For example, I have texture issues with food, meaning like, I cant eat anything with onions in it.. or tomatoes, amoung other things. Yet i like the TAST of onions like in onion powder or ketchup/tomato soup. ...i also cant stand the feeling of some fabric, like suede and leather.. Some microfiber blankets just feels so disgusting to me.... Others I'm abnormally attracted to.. such as Velvet.. Mmm velvet. Also pouch cat food.. I like the feeling of cat food in a pouch, LOL. Also, socially I'm super weird.. Like i have a hard time recognizing when a conversation is over.. Othertimes I'll stumble over my words and laugh a lot just randomly, esp when I'm nervous. I've gotten a lot better at talking because of Walmart though



5.) Chicken is my favorite food. Spicy chicken. Mmmmm.... Pilgrim's Pride Buffalo chunks are my favorite chicken you can buy right now.. KFC is pretty awesome too. years and years ago, Simmons brand made spicy chicken in an ice cream bucket.. That was awesome, but went out of business awhile ago.



6.) I'm addicted to pop. Not for the caffine... But I think mostly the carbination.... It's weird. Great Value Grapefruit used to be my #1 buying.. but they dont sell it at coldwater... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! So I'm on a ginger ale kick lately.. Getting Schweppes... because it has a very low calorie count... for non diet pop! 90 calories vs 140 in vernors. This is my attempt at loosing weight. because I cant do diet pop. It's the most disgusting thing in the world xD



7.) I'm a nerd. I (usually) love Computers and everyhting to do with them. Old technology... 5 1/4 floppies.. new technology... 1tb hard drives... I collect lotsa computer stuff. Like I discovered Ditto Drives and Zip disks at garage sales.. and im like.. WOAH, ill never use this, but its awesome! it's a piece of history.. *buys* Consequently, I've learned the tricks of the trade... esp like, I can interchange the power cord for my HP monitor and my Boston subwoofer/speaker set... WOAH! thats awesome.. and nerdy!



8.) I dont watch TV. EVer. (Neither does daniel) Daniel doesnt even have TV at his apartment. To me... it just seems... Like... Mind numbing. There's not really any interaction.. you're jsut staring at a picture.. and it never ends, so you never get up... EW!! I like movies occasionally, because they end. Also I like to watch TV series, because I can watch it in 1/2 hr increments (like Grey's Anatomy) (and i watch that on the internet anyway) But just plain TV? I dont do it. When I DO get access to TV, its usually on either a.) Weather Channel, b.) Discovery Health, or c.) Science Channel... Sometimes Cartoon network for some Family Guy or Futureama. They JUST dont make good TV shows like they used to. Gimme my Darkwing duck and Gummy bears! lol.



9.) I love everything Japanese... Anime, Manga, Pocky, Ramen, General Tso's, Geisha, it's just so AWESOME!! and Most of their things are so CUTE, like they put smily faces on EVERYTHING.. Smily sushi.. Smily suns... Smily pie.. and their Anime is about the only cartoons I'lll watch.. because it's really for adults. Really. They take you on an emotional rollercoaster that is usually not available to me in real life.. (I like a lot of love anime, for example.. and before daniel, well, i never had a hug, lol)



10.) I like video games. It's interactive, there's puzzles, it challenges your mind, and a lot of times, there's LOOVE PLOTS!! like Final Fantasy 10!! YAYYYYY



11.) I love animals. I like to go to the pet stores just to look at them. They get me excitd in a way that I usually dont get excited... When we get to pet the lovey kitties there, im just so happy~ and the bunnies and hamsters.. it's just so great. I Feel really bad when I kill animals.. Really. Like, swatting flies, i get a bit upset.. Or ants... The last time i had a fish, they died.. and i was REALLY upset for like a week, and I only had that fish for like, 3 days, lol. One time they told me to kill a GIANT moth at work.. and i told em no... so i let it outside.. Cuz i'd feel horrible >_



12.) I never get sick. hardly ever! I think I've only been sick at work ONCE.. and that was last feburary when "the walmart plague" was going around.. when EVERYONE was sick. EVERYONE. Which is odd, since how I seem to be hurting a lot, esp lately... Chest pains run my life, and it sucks, and I'm scared.. and I'm pissed off because noone seems to care to figure out what it is. Also I dont have any feeling in my right big toe. I think I have some nerve damage or bad circulation or something.. But it bothers me, and some days i cant stand it :/



13.) I don't have to wear glasses.. but it helps me read stuff far away... and makes things a lot less blurry. It makes a big difference to me, but they say I don't really need them. I think I look cuter with them on as well... So its a win win situation for me.. I choose to wear them! They say that with them on, i actually have better viision than most people. Pfff, why not? lol.. Also I think people with glasses on are really cute in general, lol.



14.) I don't really have a problem with how I look for the most part. I used to be very self conscious in High school, and i thought that people didnt like me becuase I was fat and stuff.. but I see that at walmart, people dont really care that im fat, they care if I'm nice and if i cover their breaks well enough! lol!! Daniel says I'm cute, and that's awesome..... Which I kind of understand.... I have very Juvenille facial features, which is, in the art world, how you draw cute or young people. There are a few features about myself I would change, out side of my weight (and that would be only to fit into smaller clothes!) ...Which I wont list here, because.. Well. Im self conscious about them, LOL.



15.) I rarely get mad... and when I do get a bit upset or irritated, I cry... I cry a lot, and usually that helps, and i feel better~



16.) I don't like most people in general. I don't think most people have an outlook on life that I can appreciate enough to let them find a happy place in my heart for them. People that destroy their life with alcohol or cigarettes or whatever... It just bothers me. I'm nice and polite to everyone (for i fear their anger towards me).. But I like everyone till i find a (usually bad personality defect) to change that otherwise. I'm pretty unforgiving as well.. So, like.. If somoene lies to me about something (On purpose) I will most likely never trust them again... and my nice and politeness goes to a low.. And my desire to go out of my way to make them feel good drops to about a 0, lol. There's some people like that at work, unfortunately. :/



17.) I'm OCD organizer... I love to organize.. to put things in order.. to sort by number or color. I put my pokemon cards in number order when i was younger... now, i put the fabric in rainbow color order... Or line up pegs so they fit together better... I gotta make sure everything has a shelf label and just everything looks straight and neat and pulled forward.. If someone denies me my organization I get a bit testy.. and depending upon the day, I could just be irritated all day because of it.. This is why If they wanna force me to do people greeter, i prefer it to be the last hour of my shift.. Cuz itf its the first, then im raging all day, LOL. I just feel like.. Im wasting my time as people greeter.. While Im standing here, just pulling carts forward.... I could be out there.. ORGANIZING!! and there's other people standing around doing nothing.. just pretending to be working.. it rages me, really. I just.. wanna go over there and be like HEY, I have like 3 aisles over here that are a MESS, you can go zone em, if you REALLY have nothing to do but stand around and talk... ....I think I'd be a horrible coach, as I would yell at everyone, LOL. Actually on my last evaluation, I wrote under "where I'd like to be in the company"..... I wanna stay where I am, because I like to zone, and if I didnt get to zone, I would be sad. LOLOLOL! It;s SO TRUE!



18.) My favorite color is purple.. Like either a light lavender, or a dark plum... not the middle tones. I really like black too.So when I see somehting with purple and black paired up.. I'm really attracted to it.



19.) I'm Asexual.. of the bisensual flavor. (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=bisensual) (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=asexual)... I don't really care whats in anyones pants. If they like me and I like them, why not? It just so happened that Daniel is a guy, and I like him.. He likes me. We like to cuddle and stuff.. I find him very attractive.. I'm not sure why.. and He finds me attractive.. We have the same interests about stuff and philosphy and life. Daniel is the same way.



20.) I hate cars and driving.. Not only am i afriad of drving.. I cannot stand the thought of Car insurance. it's theft, really. If my dad ever stops paying for the car I'm driving, I will walk or bike to work, I am dead serious. It is -theft-.



21.) I love to read.. less now than before, but if you give me a good book, i will generally stop at nothing till it's done. My last extravaganza, if you read my status, was the Hunger Games series... I finished all 3 in like 5 days.... When I get done with a good book/series.. I often am sad.. and I do a lot of reading on the internet about the book, and how people felt about the ending, and different interpretations of the endings and motivations for why the characters did what they did and etc. I will do the same thing with a TV series or a video game, if the plot so strikes me.



22.) I was very sheltered most of my life. I never had, like, Rice til llast year... I'd never tried ranch dressing till last year.... I'd never been to a chinese restaurant before till last year. 2010 was a very big year of changes for me.. Changes for the better. 2010 was a very good year.. (Till the chest pains thing.. I dont like that change, lol) My parents never gave me any love or attention.. We came home from school, were fed, and left alone. My parents never taught me about puberty, and when ihad problems at school with other kids being mean, or how I felt about stuff, My parents told me to "punch em in the face" or "Just deal with it, cuz lifes gunna get worse" and etc. Since My mom died, My dad seems to be "Closer" meaning... he will talk to us at least, now... But he is still emotionally abusive... Because whenever I have some good news and I am happy, he shoots it down., Whenever I'm upset over something, or just talking about something that happened, he ignores me. For example, When Daniel and I first got together, he told me Daniel doesnt love me. When I told him we were gunna get married, he asked me "Um, do you feel the same way?" and I said... Yeaaaahh, and hes like "Sure.." I think they led to my shyness mostly. At least we were always fed, and they didnt physically hurt us. Just emotionally.



23.) I'm a HUGE penny pincher.... Some say this is an aspect of the aspergers (Ex: how di i get out of the store with the most product for the least money obsession, or whatever).... I'll make charts and graphs about different stores prices compared to others.. and write down spreadsheets and whatnot.. I love graphs and charts in general, actually.. but thats another story, lol. I will go out of my way to spend the time to find the cheapest thing... etc... thats why I love garage sales SO MUCH, because I can find THE MOST UBER CHEAP STUFF! Like I found a flat panel monitor at a garage sale last weekend for $5!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The cheapest at walmart is 100$ and thats for a crap brand! SO i was really happy! I actually feel really bad when I sell something to a customer that I know another store has for a lot cheaper.. i wish we had like, some sort of price comparing team to go to other stores and find out the prices of stuff, so we can come back and change it on our shelves.. that'd be awesome.. I'd totally wanna do that job, lol.



24.) I love daniel's outlook on life.. i wish I could adapt it as my own. I already have, a bit, but I dont think I can, completely. He thinks "What shoudl you do? be happy. Do things that make you happy. If something makes you sad, forget about it, because you should BE HAPPY.. always"... Which I DO do things that make me happy.. If something makes me upset, I wont do it. actually I go out of my way so that nothing bad ever happens. .because if it does, i get REALLY UPSET.. and this is where my outlook is different.. Because if bad stuff happens (even if its not really bad, but I think its bad) I get upset, really upset.. sometiems to the point where I get sick.. I cant ignore it. I cant forget about it. It consumes me, and eats at my brain until I get that said problem resolved. I absolutely hate that feeling, and It really drives me insane, SO, i try not to let it happen. Ever.



25.) There's no secrets to me. I don't have anything to hide. I don't do anything bad. I just try to go about my businesss and be happy and make others happy. There's no secrets. No lies. No mind games, none of that petty BS. I dont understand why like 99% of people have to do stupid stuff.. "OMG I AM SAD, I MUST DRINK ALCOHOLZ"... Why? to escape from it? That wont fix the problem will it? NO IT WONT. If you're sad, fix the sadness and get happy and move on with your life! lol. I hated how the girls at school lied to eachother about everything and talked smack about eachother behidn their backs. Why do that? WHY create drama? I dont know. heck, even now.. some of the people I know.. ADULTS!! They LIE about stuff, and they get offended over STUPID crap.. WHY get offended? Offended is an emotion that shouldnt exist! Take EVERYTHING with a grain of salt! and be Logical. Really. When adults fight over stupid crap like "OMG THATS MINE. NO ITS NOT ITS MINE! omg NO WAY" and its like, Wow.. They are secretly children.



I sometimes feel more of an adult, maturity wise, than most people I see around me... I'd always gotten that in school "way more mature than the rest of the class"...



It kinda sucks to feel so alone in the maturity gap... Esp when I was younger.... .but I'm really greatefull for daniel. He's not interested in petty BS games. Just happiness and fun and living! It's great. Sometimes I get really upset that it's sad that I can't find many people that I can just... be 100% natural around... because people are out to create drama out of most things... So other times I get really tearey eyed, because I'm so gratefull that I have Daneil, and he loves and accepts me 100%.... and he says some of the most awesome things to me..



Like yesterday when I was in a horrid mood, and i was having lotsa chest pains.. and i was just all rageing and irritated and stuff.. he just hugs me super tight and gives me that super cute lovey look.. and says "When you feel bad, thats when you need love the most... Not like those other couples, when things get bad they point fingers and accuse and break up."



and i just start bawling, becuase its so beautful and so true, and OMG, daniel is the best thing in the world, lol.





AND that is it for my flippin long rambley post.. BECAUSEEEEEEEE I'm in a pretty good mood today dispite chest pains... :3

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