Where do my feelings come from? Where are they going.

[caitaro]

-=~* Sir Cait of Walmartington *~=- says (11:45 PM):
 x
 x3
 ive been on a quest to find out the source of my anxiety and parnaoia.
Nikeos says (11:45 PM):
 Any luck?
-=~* Sir Cait of Walmartington *~=- says (11:46 PM):
 I was reading my stress management book
 It said
 the opposite of anxiety and fear is love.
 which explains why ive been seeking it out so desperately.
-=~* Sir Cait of Walmartington *~=- says (11:47 PM):
 and as i love my work and the people at it..
 its my subconscious attempt to get rid of it
 and its working to an extent.
 But im afraid to accept the love.
-=~* Sir Cait of Walmartington *~=- says (11:48 PM):
 Because i subconsciously dont think i deserve it
  i very much wanted to hug daniel today, while we stood by my car.. but i couldnt. I asked him why.. he told me "youre afraid to acept the fact that you deserve it"
Nikeos says (11:49 PM):
 from the book everyone loves, you only accept the love you think you deserve
-=~* Sir Cait of Walmartington *~=- says (11:49 PM):
 So i went home feeling a lot like crap, even though i did end up hugging him.
 took a bath in the dark, and did some sort of meditation crap...
 did the relaxation and evil-ridding techniques
-=~* Sir Cait of Walmartington *~=- says (11:50 PM):
 picturing bad feelings exiting my body through my toes, waashing them away, and accepting the love in its place
 or some lame sounding crap like  that
 I doubt it will work in the long term
 but im feeling slightly enlightened atm o.o
Nikeos says (11:50 PM):
 Good :3
-=~* Sir Cait of Walmartington *~=- says (11:51 PM):
 I do deserve things.
 im not a bad person...
Nikeos says (11:51 PM):
 Obviously
-=~* Sir Cait of Walmartington *~=- says (11:51 PM):
 Everyone tells me how smart and kind i am..
 but its stange because my parents and everyone at school told me how horrible i am
 and... its just..   i was slammed with that for 20 years..
 and here this is, so different, so loving..
 i dont know how to handle it
-=~* Sir Cait of Walmartington *~=- says (11:52 PM):
 i handle it by casting it aside.
 because thats all ive ever known.
-=~* Sir Cait of Walmartington *~=- says (11:53 PM):
 I wanna learn to accept, embrace, and reflect that love, but im not sure how.....