caitaro | Entries tagged with deep thoughts

Soooo had quite a deep conversation today. . . .

LONG AND RAMBLY THOUGHTS... Cuz i dont have anyone in particular to converse with.. x_x so dun judge meh ;-;

Sooooo as you prolly know.. Im boring .. I dont drink or smoke or talk to people or hang out anywhere....

I also am always a nervous wreck all the time. and i never thought they were connected.. But... had a conversation today that opened my eyes a bit..

So alcohol tastes nasty.... Why do people drink it? Well.. back in the day... water was extremely polluted and stuff... so they put alcohol in it to sanatize it.. thus... creating alcohol. it tasted nasty, but... it didnt kill them like the polluted water might.. Plus, since its technically a type of poison, it forks the mind up, thus creating an ESCAPE from stress...

Fast forward to today.. people have clean water, and it still tastes nasty.... but people drink it because its still an escape from being afraid of hurting, pain, and death.. I didnt think most people were afraid of death and stuff like I am... but I guess that they DO, but stuff like drinking or smoking is what some people do to stop thinkiing about that stuff..

It makes a TON Of sense... because back when i was having massive chest pains, i'd play an ASSTON of minecraft, because i was so OCD about flattening the land, the chest pains werent as bad.. so Minecraft was my distraction.. I tried to do loads of things to distract myself from teh chest pains and the worry that they were going to kill me..

Since most people arent nerds, they might not have something like minecraft... Thus.. alcohol/smoking/drugs/or something.....

I never understood it till today... I couldnt imagine why anyone would do these bad things to themselves.. It's to distract themselves... I think, lol.

Anyway, so i got to thinking..

Is this why im an emotional train wreck? I dont have an escape from the stress stuff like that....

But then i was thinking...

So why would they tell you all throughout school that drinking and smoking and stuff is bad? Do they want everyone to be a nervous wreck? Maybe they do...

Maybe theyd like people to look to a 'healthier' alternative like, religion...

That's not for me, really... lol.

Anyway...

So the next time i go to my counselor, I think ill ask him what sort of stress-relieving things are more appropriate vs smoking/drinking/etc.

I dunno.. I just never questioned anything anyone has ever said to me in school. I pretty much refuse to believe anyone would ever lie to me.. and that's hurt me in the past a lot so far... why should i believe anything else they've taught me?

I just bawled while thinking about all this today... epiphany stuff..

Either way.. I think Im still gradually getting a little bit better all the time.. Already cracking some inappropriate jokes on the occasion at work, lol.

Another thing today... I messed up quite a few orders today, including making someone wait 6 minutes at the drive through for no reason... I felt as if some people were very upset with me... and i was really sad.... Yet.. later they were still cracking jokes at me, and making me laugh.

I dont get that im sure they were upset with me...

But... i was told that not everyone thinks the same way i do... I dont accept imperfection, so naturally, im incredibly dissapointed with my performance at work, and i think everyone else should be too..

but even though i mess up, they arent mad at me! And i dont get it, cuz -IM- mad at me, LOL.

If somene else did the same things I did, id prolly be pissed at them too... well.. not so much if they were new like me.. but i duno.

IN CONCLUSION to my rambly post.
I dont understand anyone... Or myself.

So i shall just frolick around being socially awkard and full of nerdiness and the occasional delicious journey..

and try not to worry so much, (HAHAHAHAH AS IF :P)

Here, have some sailor moon costumes.

</randomhysterics>

Yea i didnt understand how people coulda stole things at walmart. If i stole somethin id never ever stop thinking what a terrible person i was lol.

Everyone at work doesnt ever seem to mess up, thats prolly why i was so upset with myself. But they prolly did when they were new too.

My family did the watch too much tv thing LOL. Daniel and i dont even have tv. Weve got a roku for late night movie stuff

But yea. Thanks for the reply shiela! Im on a personal quest to understand why my crazy brain thinks the stupid stuff it does (hopefully eliminating the social awkwardness someday) and every bit of input helps

Yup, im taking a psychology class this semester too actually.

Yeah i get a LOT Of stares when people are like "You know that one commercial where..."

and it's like... Um... NOPE, LOL.

Holy crap what happened to the music industry, LOL

Miley Cyrus - We Can't Stop/Blurred Lines/Give It 2 U (Medley)

Miley Cyrus performs her hit single "We Can't Stop" with huge teddy bears onstage. Begins a medley with Robin Thicke, Kendrick Lamar and 2 Chainz.

Oh I wiiiiiiiiiiiiish I could sleeepp~ but noooooooo.

Guess I'll have a minor distraction.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BqijsweJzFQ

it's pretty fun

I just scored 383,240 in Tetris Blitz! How high can you score?

Tetris Blitz

Ragnarok Prontera Theme

Ragnarok Prontera THEM

This has nothing to do with my online life... But i feel disgusted that I can't post it on my real life account, for fear of "random unfriendings" (yes yes i know, if they unfriend you then they aren't worth it anyway) but MEH, I have to take what i can get IRL! Q_Q

And I need to vent, otherwise I will just cry all night and be pent up...

I feel disgusted that no one will tell me the truth. Espe...cially people that I feel "closest" to. If my house is a mess and it looks terrible... Tell me. Dont wait till i re-organize it then say "WOW YOUR HOUSE LOOKED LIKE SHIT, BUT ITS BETTER NOW!"

I ask time and time again... "Why does noone want to hang out with me? Why is everyone friendly until I attempt an "Outside of facebook" social setting?"

I am told "There's nothing wrong with you, Cait. Dont worry"

But I know it's a lie. If there was nothing wrong with me, then people would ask me to go out with them all the time... not once every 10 years.

Am I boring? Does the fact I throw out random statistics and pop culture references make me undesirable to be around? Do I smell? Am I too ugly to be seen with in public?

I see co-workers hang out together, and I feel sad. This rules out the "There's nothing wrong with you Cait, it's just that they dont have time to" excuse that gets thrown at me occasionally. Noone wants to hang out with me. Noone invites me to go shopping or paint walls or go for a walk or bike ride or thrift shopping or berry picking.

I wish I was okay with being a hermit and alone and holed up away from society, but there's some instict going on that says "Be around people" "Ba a part of the group" and DRIVES me to WANT to be involved with other people....

I CANT shut it off, and I feel trapped. I want to enjoy my life away from these untrustworthy lying backstabbing meatsacks.. I want to enjoy being alone... Coding for hours and hours and just being happy with that... But I cant.

So I must write a letter.

Dear Instincts:

Please shut off... or go to hell

thx

, Cait

One of the things I dont understand about people, and it's something my counselor wants to talk to me about...

Is that I dont understand how people think. Daniel says "People would rather try and manipulate you and lie to you to get what they want... Than accept the same thing for free from you.. because they will feel like they then owe you something"

some days im so depressed because of the selfish ways people think... and my inability to understand and comprehend the motive...

All i want is for everyone to be happy and friends. that's all! No lies, no cheating, no stealing, no backstabbing. Just happy.. and friends.. and trusting.

Why is this so hard? *sigh*

On a happier note. I love this cat.

http://pusheen.com/

Dedicated to Alex "Loaf" Tran

So i think that...

Cough suppressent.. like..

Robatussin..

is somehow linked to orgasm..

Which is weird, because when you cough/sneeze, it feels pressure down there.

yet when you take that cough suppresion, its like, super ghetto hard/impossible to orgasm.

So i wonder if the coughing/sneezing portion of your brain is also where the sexual stuff is too D:

-=~* Sir Cait of Walmartington *~=- says (12:36 AM):
hi
sorry
i spent 2 1/2 hrs talking to my dad
-=~* Sir Cait of Walmartington *~=- says (12:37 AM):
That amounted to
a.) Im pissed about my childhood
b.)Im insecure about things cuz of my crappy childhood
c.) I wanna get over this insecurity because its holding me back from being with daniel.
d.) To do that, i want to move out and have some time alone to think about things.
RisingManes says (12:38 AM):
Ah... very mature of you, Cait.
-=~* Sir Cait of Walmartington *~=- says (12:51 AM):
as i told spagetios..
I do have 2 days off.. wed + thurs
Kia says (12:51 AM):

-=~* Sir Cait of Walmartington *~=- says (12:52 AM):
I think im going to venture down to our other house during those 2 days.. and do a test run.. See how things go.. Heck, maybe during those 2 days ill get everything sorted out, and I wont have to "move"
Kia says (12:52 AM):
:x
-=~* Sir Cait of Walmartington *~=- says (12:53 AM):
But im not bringing my pc. Cuz ill just sit on it those 2 days and accomplish nothing XD
Kia says (12:53 AM):
LOL
-=~* Sir Cait of Walmartington *~=- says (12:53 AM):
But ill still have my phone, so you nubs can still talk to me <3
Kia says (12:53 AM):
;-;
-=~* Sir Cait of Walmartington *~=- says (12:53 AM):
so
you guys will have to hold down the fort
in my absense
RisingManes says (12:53 AM):
Okay, Cait.
-=~* Sir Cait of Walmartington *~=- says (12:53 AM):
im on a quest for enlightenment
RisingManes says (12:54 AM):
Good luck getting your Guardian, Cait.
Kia says (12:54 AM):
You need a harkon for that nab
RisingManes says (12:54 AM):
And a map!
-=~* Sir Cait of Walmartington *~=- says (12:54 AM):
IRL enlightenment
lol
you guys are dorks
XD
RisingManes says (12:55 AM):
I know.
XD
Kia says (12:55 AM):
ffiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnneeeee
-=~* Sir Cait of Walmartington *~=- says (12:55 AM):
<3
Kia says (12:55 AM):
we'll get the honey tea atleast
RisingManes says (12:55 AM):
Just because I'm not in Trickster anymore doesn't mean I can't crack a joke.
Nom.
-=~* Sir Cait of Walmartington *~=- says (12:55 AM):
^_~

-=~* Sir Cait of Walmartington *~=- says (11:45 PM):
x
x3
ive been on a quest to find out the source of my anxiety and parnaoia.
Nikeos says (11:45 PM):
Any luck?
-=~* Sir Cait of Walmartington *~=- says (11:46 PM):
I was reading my stress management book
It said
the opposite of anxiety and fear is love.
which explains why ive been seeking it out so desperately.
-=~* Sir Cait of Walmartington *~=- says (11:47 PM):
and as i love my work and the people at it..
its my subconscious attempt to get rid of it
and its working to an extent.
But im afraid to accept the love.
-=~* Sir Cait of Walmartington *~=- says (11:48 PM):
Because i subconsciously dont think i deserve it
i very much wanted to hug daniel today, while we stood by my car.. but i couldnt. I asked him why.. he told me "youre afraid to acept the fact that you deserve it"
Nikeos says (11:49 PM):
from the book everyone loves, you only accept the love you think you deserve
-=~* Sir Cait of Walmartington *~=- says (11:49 PM):
So i went home feeling a lot like crap, even though i did end up hugging him.
took a bath in the dark, and did some sort of meditation crap...
did the relaxation and evil-ridding techniques
-=~* Sir Cait of Walmartington *~=- says (11:50 PM):
picturing bad feelings exiting my body through my toes, waashing them away, and accepting the love in its place
or some lame sounding crap like that
I doubt it will work in the long term
but im feeling slightly enlightened atm o.o
Nikeos says (11:50 PM):
Good :3
-=~* Sir Cait of Walmartington *~=- says (11:51 PM):
I do deserve things.
im not a bad person...
Nikeos says (11:51 PM):
Obviously
-=~* Sir Cait of Walmartington *~=- says (11:51 PM):
Everyone tells me how smart and kind i am..
but its stange because my parents and everyone at school told me how horrible i am
and... its just.. i was slammed with that for 20 years..
and here this is, so different, so loving..
i dont know how to handle it
-=~* Sir Cait of Walmartington *~=- says (11:52 PM):
i handle it by casting it aside.
because thats all ive ever known.
-=~* Sir Cait of Walmartington *~=- says (11:53 PM):
I wanna learn to accept, embrace, and reflect that love, but im not sure how.....

Current Mood: confused

1.How much is your freedom worth? How do you decide what sacrifice is too much to make to keep you free?
2. When do you know that the person you are with is the one? What tells you that the decision you've made is the right one?
3. What wouldn't you do to keep your family safe?

I love deep convos.. Me and daniel were in the parking lot at walmart for 4 hours few weeks ago talking about deep crap, such as... what is consciousness.. at the core... and other stuff, lol

anyway~

1. I guess it depends on the definition of "freedom" What would we be if we weren't free? Forced to wear certain clothes? Or do slave work? Whenever people ask me this question i usually ask for clarification.. A lot of people that go to war and whatnot, i guess think its worth their lives.. I could never do that..But im pretty anti-violence and whatnot.. *hides under fabric table* How would you decide.. hrm.. well, when the cons outweigh the pros, i would assume...

2. Meh, I dont know.. I've never actually even had a bf before, much less be married so I cant really answer this question :x I would ~assume~ you make the right decision about who you're with when when you and your partner are both completely happy with eachother and satisfied. Erm, personally I hope if i ever find "the one" it would THEORETICALLY be someone I wouldnt be shy around (as you probably know its hard for me even to say hi to anyone offline much less carry on a casual conversation) Someone with we both can trust and can relate on a personal and emotional level.. someone whos caring and compassionate.. and i feel the same way as them.. and is pretty "pure" like i am, i guess..(I guess pure meaning not drinking or drugs or violence/aggression or anything like that.) Simply because.... I think too many people are trying to escape from their problems (ex, drinking/drugs/etc) in life rather than solve them. And stuff like violence? Ive talked to a lot of people and they say like "My dad punched a hole in the wall today when he was mad at me, etc etc" and im like "ok well, punching the hole in the wall solved absolutely nothing, but only created more problems. Theres honestly no logical reason why he should have done that" but thats just in my opinion.. Because i never get mad, so maybe its different for others.. Ack, i got slightly offtopic there.. lol

3. My birth family.. I'm not exactly emotionally/physically close to. We're close as in.. we can borrow money from eachother and know we are gunna get it back, but as far as like.. me wanting to be with them, and connecting on a loving, family, hugging, advice, etc. level.. It's not there.

Would i neccisarily want to protect them? Or keep them safe?

(Again, safe from what? A "Day after tomorrow" situation? a crazy shooter guy? A rabid squirrel?) Clarification would help me a bit)

Well maybe, only because I like to be a nice person to all people.. but I know of other people I would like to keep safe before I keep them safe. (Simply because other feel more like my family than my actual family does)

But to the people i consider my actual family.. what wouldnt i do? Im not sure, I'm a real scardy cat personally, heck customers make me jump when they say "Hey can you help me with..." if i dont see them.. So I think i would absolutely fail in a combat type of situation, simply from nerves, lol. But I would do everything within my mental-limitations to keep them safe, and im sure they would do the same.

Anytime you want a deep convo, feel free to message me, i can go on for hours, lol.

Current Mood: thoughtful

Derek says (347):
well, I promise i won't do anything weird or bad or strange oki?
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (347):
aww, what if i want you to do weird things?
Derek says (347):
And you know my statement on promises =) just try to trust me XD
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (347):
like meow into the night skyyy~~~
LOl
Derek says (348):
lol =P well i gibbing you the power to choose
command me and i shall be weird and strange!
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (348):
LOL

be yourself
^_^
Derek says (348):
welll..that is mi self XD
BUT i will never be creepy! thats bettter than saying strange =)

Derek says (416):
well im glad i did(made you happy at animecon) ^^ you made me happy too

Sir Cait of Walmartington says (416):
ROFL
Yeah
i was shocked you actually walked us out to the van
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (417):
i was like "hes prolly gunna stay here and close up" but NOPE out you came XD
Derek says (417):
im a gentleman o.o its what i do
and in all honestly i wanted to hug you at the van
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (417):

Derek says (417):
but you jumped in there so quick
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (417):
that woulda been super awkward
and my dad woulda been all WTF
lol
Derek says (417):
oh lol

Derek says (421):
yeah being super paranoid >.> lols
*noms*
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (422):
^-^!!
pls fear teh cait
Derek says (422):
noo i don't wanna fear the cait =O i wanna clings teh cait

Derek says (456):
but yeah, i don't wanna do anything that will cause us problems (that could possibly affect our friendsness) ><

Sir Cait of Walmartington says (520):
oh
well i mean
i dont care about
money or friends or power
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (521):
i know im weirder than hell, im just lookin for someone whos also weirder than hell and likes me for being this way o-o.
Amoung other things, but thats the base
Derek says (521):
haha XD yeah
i know..i feel like i can trust you more than people ive known longer irl
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (521):
Yeah
Derek says (522):
im not upset or anything :3

Sir Cait of Walmartington says (532):
XD
But hrmm
You like me, right?
Derek says (533):
*nods*
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (533):
so what if i told you
im secretly a guy
would that change how you feel?
Derek says (533):
nope
wait
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (533):
o.o
Derek says (533):
guy?
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (533):
yea
(hypothetical situation)
Derek says (533):
*shakes fist at you*
you put me in a trap XD
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (533):
LOL
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (534):
^____^~

Derek says (537):
i guess it depends on the situation..like this..if you were a guy i wouldn care..because id be happy with you no matter what happens
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (537):
=o
Derek says (537):
if we were to get together lol

Derek says (538):
because ive noticed im not like most guys but yet i am a guy lol
and i like guy things
but i like stuff that guy wouldn like so much..like crafts and cooking and stuff XD
Derek says (539):
thanks for making me think deep this late at night btw lmao

Derek says (551):
totally*
time is good XD
im just really excited =P i don't want anything to rush either (though it may sound like it) lmao
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (552):
LOl
why excited? XD
Derek says (553):
becuase your awesome...and i never met anyone like you and i dont wanna do something stupid and lose you as a friend..and I kinda hope i could be with a person like you :3 and you're the first person with that type ive met sooo..im just excited XD
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (553):
heh
Derek says (554):
and thats my gitty schoolgirlish rant i guess lmao
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (554):
it was cute ^___^
Derek says (554):
haha *bows* =P
Derek says (555):
i just hope if you find some other epic person =P that ill find someone too..i just a wee bit scared about that
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (556):
o.o
why?
Derek says (556):
iono if ill find someone like you again haha XD but i know thats stupid to think that
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (556):
^^
NOT JUST LIKE MEH >=D
but who knows
Derek says (557):
i mean like someone who understands me..and gets my jokes..and doesn't care about looks..and doesnt care about religious stuff..and who hate mainstream and stupid white blonde chicks and stuff lmao
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (558):
the whole point of a relationship is to make the ohter person happy. so if you cant accept that the person might wanna be w/ someone else its being super selfish
LIKE FLITE
but yeah so im glad youre not being super possessive over me ^_^
Derek says (559):
yeah
^_^
because i wanna be in your life even if its just friends =)

Derek says (602):
youve told me quite a lot already...and its not like i haven told people about you :3
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (603):
you tell ppls about me?
Derek says (604):
eh just a few not like tons of people
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (604):
oh?
what do you tell them?
Derek says (605):
that i met this awesome girl..and shes just like me =) and shes into the same stuff and understands me, and she doesn live tooo far =P and that we've been talking since we met XD
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (605):
LOL
^^
what do they say?
Derek says (606):
ummm coool, im glad you found someone like that!
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (606):
LOL
Derek says (606):
things like that lol
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (606):
X3~

Derek says (607):
not a lot of comments since..i haven told a whole lot but they were like happy about it
=)
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (607):
^_^
glad im somewhat of a convo starter then, LoL
anyway, if thats about all
i need to send you off to bed
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (608):
*SHOVE*
*DUCTTAPES YOU DOWN* nao sleep
XD
Derek says (608):
haha XD well you told me to everyone in the guild lmao
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (608):
well yeah
theyre my family
Lol
Derek says (609):
=P iono gave me butterflys lols
but okies..yeah i should be g oing lmao
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (609):
hehe
^-^
Derek says (609):
its so late now haha
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (609):
fine
ok for good measure
*buys ducttape with butterflies on it*
*TAPE YOU DOWN WITH THAT*
OK
NOW
XD
goodnigggggggggggght ^___^~
Derek says (610):
my laptop is dying anyway o.o
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (610):
*hugs* <:3 feel free to text me
Derek says (610):
8 mins
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (610):
ill put phone on ring insted of vibrate
Derek says (610):
okie ^_^ goodnight *hugs* <3
are you sure? lol do you have work tom?
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (610):
nope no work
ill be here
Derek says (610):
oh XD okies
well ill text you once we are on the way!
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (611):
<3 try and get more sleep tomarrow though >< XD okay
^^
Derek says (611):
yeah =) i willl i promise hehe
sigh so hard to leave you >.> why do you gotta be so..so..sooo.. you :3
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (611):
heheh
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (612):
save some cait for tomarrow!
Derek says (612):
meh!
but its so yummy...like ice cream
Sir Cait of Walmartington says (612):
XDDDD
dont eat all cait in 1 sitting, youll get fat
LOOOOOOOOl

--------------------------

I met him irl before online

...

and hes just like me

Minus paranoia + anxiety.

D:

But i dunno
..i duno anymore

D:

stupid relationships never work.

Current Mood: mellow

so not having such a good day today. . . .

comp exploded this morning.. had to reformat n stufff...
other guild is being a-holes again. . . ><

uh
other stuff in general, i duno.

But most of all

i miss salam :(

hes still gone cuz of lack of power...

its been a lonely day. . .

and you know, how I used to just be sooooo... uber scared around him.. and how i liked him, and even asked him out, but (I WAS REJECTED ;_;)

the more i think about it,

maybe its for the better.. I still care about him more than anyone else in the world.. and we do things together...

and... i even dream about him the same as guys ive actually "been with" before in the past..

It's just... I duno.

I got this chicken soup on love book thing... and it shows, like.. how people were friends, then they went out, then everything went bad..

and really if i think about it..

What if he said yes, right now? What would change? ...nothing? besides maybe me doing more *Hugs*

but other than that i treat him as special as I think he deserves! As special as if he had said "yes!"

being IN a relationship... creates more drama, i think.. Than just friendship.. Because then it gives the, uh.. man i cant think of the word.. "things/feelings/actions you think you are supposed to carry out"

But, really.. Define friend? Define relationship? Where is the line inbetween those? Is there one?

Does there have to be?

I think we are more than friends. But really, to quote him.. "Putting you in a group is just lumping you in a group with others. To me, you are just you."

Maybe to us.. we are just us. Not "friends". Not in a "relationship". Maybe in a relationship of our own definition.

Relationship: a state of connectedness between people (especially an emotional connection)

Maybe what we have is better than being in a standard definition relationship. All the perks without the drama!~ XD

I'd love to discuss this with him, actually. But ill prolly loose the guts to. ^_^ ahahah.

but ahh.. i came out here because i couldnt sleep.. and upon rambling to myself (who reads this anymore, srsly.. noone i bet XD) I've discovered a deep conversation... with myself.. about love. :o

now i need to go get tired so i can sleep and go garage saling tomarrow @_@ XD

Current Mood: thoughtful

Maybe i am overreacting.. but who hasnt overreacted?

Maybe i am a drama queen.. But it's not over completely stupid stuff like "omg you whore, those are my shoes" or " you told jimmy that i thought he was ugly, but i secretly <3 him, now i HATTTE YOU!!!" or.. stupid 9th grade drama..

I overreact to things that annoy me..

the best thing to do is... dont say things.. that are annoying! EX: "you just hate me" please dont say that.. many people say that to me, and MEANit..

Rejection is a huge fear of mine, you know.. You dont exploit other people's huge fears. It's a very bad thing..

Now you know im afraid of ants.. so you say "OMG CAIT THERES AN ANT ON YOU?" I might jump or something but i wouldnt freak and get pissed..

but if you were to say something potentially life altering.. or degrading to me in general... for ex: "Cait, you seriously smell, and I dont think i can hang out with you any more" That would make me very perturbed..

However, if you were to say "Cait, you're fat" I would say "I know! :D" because i do know and i dont care..

I need to make one of those '100 reasons why it's better to be fat' list things XDDD!!

anyway..

maybe my mind is secretly hating all humans more than normal... and is trying to push my friends (the ones who I lurvee the most ) away.. in order to 'punish myself'

Ive noticed i punish myself subconciuosly a LOT..
(maybe im a masochist!..is that even the right word? XD)

but like.. at the fair or whatever... i will refrain from eating or drinking anything.. or going to the bathroom.. now if i get extremely thirsty, where i become fatigued... then i get a drink.. or if im going to pee my pants, ill go to the bathroom, lol.. But il only eat if people force me :\ (this has absolutely nothing to do with the fact im practicly morbidly obese)

If I'm really hot, i wont say anything.. i just keep on going as if everything is fine.. If i wanna go see the damned cows in the barn, i wont because i dont want to inconvienience my dad..

afterwards when we were outside the barn with the tickets to the plays.. dads like "you can go sign up if you want!!!!! ill just stay here." and im like "no!! No!!! lets.. just go."

I also pull my hair out.... I dont know why.. I have since 7th grade... I have chronic nail picking, too (not biting) i have no nails.. (well.. not NONE.. but if i can see white off the endof my nail, it's gone within a day.. there's always ~1/2 CM - 1CM of skin you can see at the end of my fingers... my nails have never been past the tips...) and ungodly amounts of split ends..

I duno. i hate me, and how i am.. the things i do..

Why dont i ever do anything for /ME/?
why is it always to try not to inconvience everyone else..

as shane + travis said.. "Why dont you ever WANT us to come over?"

because i apparently dont believe in doing anything for myself.. If you want to come over, go ahead... If you come willingly, i know it's not an inconvienience for you..
If i randomly show up... It's practicly taboo....

This whole post pracicly is the kindof things i think about in the car.. or in the shower.. ive never been able to get them out into words before... hmmm......

unfortunately, i have to get up in 3 1/2 hrs... and im not very tired *dies*

Current Mood: sad
Current Location: lappy, my bed
Current Music: fan

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caitaro

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pics n stuff
No sleep
D:
o_o.
In which I want to change.
Where do my feelings come from? Where are they going.
Something from facebook....
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Cait's Ramblings

I'm freaking weird

Entries tagged with deep thoughts

pics n stuff

No sleep

it's pretty fun

D:

o_o.

In which I want to change.

Where do my feelings come from? Where are they going.

Something from facebook....

Highlights from tonight.

<=/

Maybe