caitaro | Entries tagged with pics

Soooo had quite a deep conversation today. . . .

LONG AND RAMBLY THOUGHTS... Cuz i dont have anyone in particular to converse with.. x_x so dun judge meh ;-;

Sooooo as you prolly know.. Im boring .. I dont drink or smoke or talk to people or hang out anywhere....

I also am always a nervous wreck all the time. and i never thought they were connected.. But... had a conversation today that opened my eyes a bit..

So alcohol tastes nasty.... Why do people drink it? Well.. back in the day... water was extremely polluted and stuff... so they put alcohol in it to sanatize it.. thus... creating alcohol. it tasted nasty, but... it didnt kill them like the polluted water might.. Plus, since its technically a type of poison, it forks the mind up, thus creating an ESCAPE from stress...

Fast forward to today.. people have clean water, and it still tastes nasty.... but people drink it because its still an escape from being afraid of hurting, pain, and death.. I didnt think most people were afraid of death and stuff like I am... but I guess that they DO, but stuff like drinking or smoking is what some people do to stop thinkiing about that stuff..

It makes a TON Of sense... because back when i was having massive chest pains, i'd play an ASSTON of minecraft, because i was so OCD about flattening the land, the chest pains werent as bad.. so Minecraft was my distraction.. I tried to do loads of things to distract myself from teh chest pains and the worry that they were going to kill me..

Since most people arent nerds, they might not have something like minecraft... Thus.. alcohol/smoking/drugs/or something.....

I never understood it till today... I couldnt imagine why anyone would do these bad things to themselves.. It's to distract themselves... I think, lol.

Anyway, so i got to thinking..

Is this why im an emotional train wreck? I dont have an escape from the stress stuff like that....

But then i was thinking...

So why would they tell you all throughout school that drinking and smoking and stuff is bad? Do they want everyone to be a nervous wreck? Maybe they do...

Maybe theyd like people to look to a 'healthier' alternative like, religion...

That's not for me, really... lol.

Anyway...

So the next time i go to my counselor, I think ill ask him what sort of stress-relieving things are more appropriate vs smoking/drinking/etc.

I dunno.. I just never questioned anything anyone has ever said to me in school. I pretty much refuse to believe anyone would ever lie to me.. and that's hurt me in the past a lot so far... why should i believe anything else they've taught me?

I just bawled while thinking about all this today... epiphany stuff..

Either way.. I think Im still gradually getting a little bit better all the time.. Already cracking some inappropriate jokes on the occasion at work, lol.

Another thing today... I messed up quite a few orders today, including making someone wait 6 minutes at the drive through for no reason... I felt as if some people were very upset with me... and i was really sad.... Yet.. later they were still cracking jokes at me, and making me laugh.

I dont get that im sure they were upset with me...

But... i was told that not everyone thinks the same way i do... I dont accept imperfection, so naturally, im incredibly dissapointed with my performance at work, and i think everyone else should be too..

but even though i mess up, they arent mad at me! And i dont get it, cuz -IM- mad at me, LOL.

If somene else did the same things I did, id prolly be pissed at them too... well.. not so much if they were new like me.. but i duno.

IN CONCLUSION to my rambly post.
I dont understand anyone... Or myself.

So i shall just frolick around being socially awkard and full of nerdiness and the occasional delicious journey..

and try not to worry so much, (HAHAHAHAH AS IF :P)

Here, have some sailor moon costumes.

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Yea i didnt understand how people coulda stole things at walmart. If i stole somethin id never ever stop thinking what a terrible person i was lol.

Everyone at work doesnt ever seem to mess up, thats prolly why i was so upset with myself. But they prolly did when they were new too.

My family did the watch too much tv thing LOL. Daniel and i dont even have tv. Weve got a roku for late night movie stuff

But yea. Thanks for the reply shiela! Im on a personal quest to understand why my crazy brain thinks the stupid stuff it does (hopefully eliminating the social awkwardness someday) and every bit of input helps

Yup, im taking a psychology class this semester too actually.

Yeah i get a LOT Of stares when people are like "You know that one commercial where..."

and it's like... Um... NOPE, LOL.

Holy crap what happened to the music industry, LOL