Cait's Ramblings

interesting theory about valproic acid and others...

http://blog.theautismsite.com/intense-world/


Thank you to everyone that hung out at the party. Sorry that it was a madhouse the first hour-ish, it's the first party I've really ever planned, and since it was raining all day we couldn't even start setting up till that morning! I really appreciate your understanding and patience as we sorted through some technical issues. We have a lot of pics and a couple videos, and I'll post them as soon as I have the energy. I'm so incredibly wiped out, too much social stimulation. If anyone wants a physical copy of any pics, please send me your mailing address! We'll be sending out thank you cards to those that gave us an address in the sign in book as well. <3 <3 <3 Cait & Daniel.


Also, I discovered George Takei!

so 1am. i gotta be up in 8hrs..

waiting for my sleeping meds to kick in... sitting at my pc in my room.

My brother comes in

lays on my bed, and plays his psp.


But why?

and i think.

He's lonely.

Even if im not talking to him, he wants to be near me.

I think about it some more.

Its the same for everyone.

At walmart, I observe people. I study them. Why? Cuz im lame enough to not be doing anything myself, lol.

What are nearly all of them doing? Talking. To eachother. To their cell phones. To themselves. To me. Theyre always talking.

Sometimes i think theyre talking to me when theyre on a bluetooth headset. I respond back, and they look at me funny. its awkward.

Other times, people will get some fabric cut, and ill talk to them. Most of the time it's about "no, we arent closing our fabric department" or "i think this fabric is pretty because..."

I never used to be able to talk to people. about anything. Not even say hi. walmart has changed that for me. and for that, i dislike the people who say "walmart is an evil cooperation". I dont know about the coorporation itself, but I can never forget what it's done for me. given me the oppurtunity to change my life. To study others. To meet a ton of unforgetable people that I love with all my heart.

offtopic. Anyway. When I'm at work.. I'll tend to want to work in aisles with people in them. Most of the time other employees.. but sometimes customers. I want to be around others. I dont want to be by myself. It's not a conscious decision. It just happens. I dont even think about it.

Humans are social creatures. We thrive in groups. We hate being alone. So why was I alone my whole life? Why was I afraid of everyone? Why am i still afraid?

Why can my brother have the guts to come in my room and play his psp? When I cant even say hi.

I confuse me. I go against logic with my shy-ness. I hate things that go against logic.

I dont get how people buy the 96 cent gum at the front checkout.. for 1 pack, when in the snack aisle you can get 3 packs for $2. against logic.

Alone my whole life, I thought it was because I hated people. I thought i wanted to live alone on a deserted island. Away from technology. Away from people. Away from everything. Ala "Castaway"

When in reality i Longed for communication. I longed for attention.. affection. I never got any from my parents.


As Daniel sat in my room hugging me the other day, he said "Dont tell me ive hugged you more times than your parents have"

I looked back at him and said "I dont remember them ever hugging me."

He gives me some sort of sad look.

My parents.. hated me? I dont know. My mom said i was a failure at life.. Id live with them till i was 40. that i was stupid. I graduted in the top 10 of my class. Yeah. stupid. I cant do math. So what? doesnt make me stupid.


Daniel spoils me. He gives me attention, affection, happiness. everything i've longed for all these years.

Im gunna be spoiled.



When/(if?) he abandons me like all my other friends eventually did/do.. I'll be really sad.

Which makes me wonder, Should I even try to make friends? Avoid being spoiled, and the pain of loss later...?




I havent been really close with anyone in years... and im afraid. Ive been observing others this whole time.. Not sure what i want, what i wanna risk. what I wanna endure.


more offtopicness.
bleh.

Anyway.

So I wonder why humans are social. I wonder why they flock together like girls in a bathroom. Why DO girls go to the bathroom in groups? I dont know. I do go to the bathroom with carol on break, but, Its just the 2 of us.


But moreover, i wonder why some are anti-social. Messed up genes? Hrmm. Or even.. whatever i am. nonsocial but wanting to BE social? *Shrug*

"I wanna be that guy"

At work. Coach Eric. Daniel. Carol. Pam. Rita. Leo. I wanna be them, socially. I wanna be the social ones that everyone knows and loves. The ones that arent afraid to announce their presence with a booming HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII to the WHOLE breakroom when they come in.

It's my fault. Because im scared.

But i dont know why. It sucks. Im trying to break that. Daniel is too. Hopefully it can be done.



My brothers on my floor playing PSP.
I tell him about this article thing im writing.. and i ask him

"Why did you come to my room to play your psp?"

He says "I duno, why?"

I tell him about my article

Cait: its cuz youre lonely. youre here cuz i am, arent you?
Cory: *Shrug* Yea.
Cait: i bet you didnt even think of thats why youre here is it?
Cory: ...noep.


Humans are social creatures.

I hope to be one of those, someday.