Cait's Ramblings

So i just got up... I had a dream about the last day of school..

I dreamed that.. Mr. Loveless organized a field trip thing.. in conjunction with Mr. Morrison (who wasnt even there) so it was a Running event thing.... now your prolly sayin "ohh she cant ruuun thats her bad dreaamm" actually it wasnt. I could run as fast as everyone else.. miraculously..

So... Before the field trip thing i was in mr. loveless' room.. WHich was actually the old computer room in the old building... only with art crap on it.. Um.. So i made crap... Theni made a moofin loofa suit out of paper.. So i put it on... and that was the only THING i had on... It covered meh though... somehow.. And i always signed my work wearing that o-O i duno why.. but ok.... So then we went on The trip thing.. we had to run... up this thing.. and into a covering.. and we had to do physics... and shane was there doing it too... um.. Then we went into a field... and it looked like a quidditch field o-O but we had to run around and play football only it WASNT football.. and so i stayed with this one kid i have NO idea who it was.. and there was a crippled kid.. um.. So then afterwards we went back to school.. and i went to mr. loveless' room.... and.. so like everyone left cuz it was the last day of school so they were in the halls with their friends... Then um.. The ball rang and someone came on the Announcer thing and said "have a good summer and have a good life, seniors" then it HIT me.. I... am a senior... And i would NEVER. EVER.... see mr. loveless again.. and so... I got the moofin loofa suit on and signed some crap.. then i was back to normal clothes.. o_O and So i went up to him.. and.... I was going to tell him goodbye i guess.. or perhaps CONFESS MY LOVE :O i duno but then.. Dramatic... 'sad-love song'ish music was playing.. and im like.. "oh god... What do i tell him?... What do i say?!? I dont know!!!" So i was playing with my keychain things.. cuz i had like a billion of them... and i never got to tell him anything.. Because i hear a knocking at the door. "Who's there ho?" I say.. lol not really.. But i did hear someone knocking.. so im like "eeeee go awaaay" so they DIDNT.. so i got up and it was danielle... so i let her in.. and blah...


But as i walked to the bathroom.. it hit me.. I never ACTUALLY.... thought about plans for the last day of school.. Well so i thought then... There's no way im getting any sleep the night before..... Because i have Mr. Loveless' class last.. I don't know how i'll ever leave it.... I dont.. know how i'll ever tell him goodbye... how much he was my only friend there for me ALL throughout high school... even though during the first few years we never.... personally talked to each other much... But.. Every day i looked forward to going to his class...I looked forward to seeing his cheerfull face and his o_O randomly funny jokes and whatnot... During the first part of 11th grade.. I had noone.. Absolutely noone.. But you know he talked to me sometimes >_> and i was in the LIBRARY at lunch because i had noone.. but he was there.... and blah..

I know im being stupid but..
I'm going to miss him a lot... and.. I dont know.. about this.. "no school" thing.. Perhaps i WILL tell the councelers im missing 1 math credit.. so i get held back O NO :O but.. I'll still be there for another year.. i can graduate with people i care about... Um.. That is.. if shane makes it that far :\ which i sometimes question..

But.. I dont think i like this.. Really i'm a child trapped in a teenagers body... and i dont know how to deal with this!!! This is just.. crazy.. I guess i kinda feel like travis after he went outside for the first time... He was scared.. he hid behind the grill.. Then he ran away for a few days.. and now he's back..

But i feel scared..... In November i'm legally an adult and i have to fend for myself.. But i'm not ready.... i cant even DRIVE. i cant.. even GO TO CHICAGO..
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People tell me i'm not mature enough.. But when they say that they're thinking... emotionally mature.. They think im very childish and i need to grow up.. but its the opposite.. I have IMMENSE self control.. UBER maturity.. however i AM.. very immature in 1 area.. Experience and knowledge of the world.... I always hear all these stories from my dad.. saying "ohhh when your MOTHER was 14 she got dumped out on california by her SELF and shhheeeee had to adaptt... and now YOUUUUU do..." and im like "..no i dont... it doesnt HAVE to be this way.." you know what? I'm hooked on a drug. It's called security.. And i need to be SLOWLY weaned off of it.. Or else bad things will happen... I get security 24/7 now.. Try smokin the most addictive drug 24/7.. (lets just say it wont kill you).. Ok but then suddenly.. You're taken off it completely.. Yeah thats how i'm going to feel..

I never have had.. a teenage life.. I have never DONE... anything a teenager has done... I have gone through none of it.. Even with the boyfriend thing.. Most people are like "Ohh my first boyfreind was in 3rd grade" and whatnot.. NOW its like "hi im in kidermagarden and i have a boyfreind!" its getting kinda sad.. but guess when my first FULL Time BF was? NEVER :D!!!.... But the first time i really had one... was mid-11th grade... Which is sp00ny.. and.. i still have him.. SOMEHOW... SOMEHOW i didnt drive him away yet... and he's still there for me all the time.. ANd i feel that.. HE... ISSS.. my future.... Because thats sort of one of my childhood fantasies..... but.. when i WAS a child... i always thought "I want to get married!!! but im gunna ask the guy if we can just hug insted of kiss cuz thats gross :O" Now its still a fantasy of mine to get married.. only WITH the kissing :P~ I want.. to have the most perfect relationship ever.. and get married.. and make a shitload of money (HAHAH LIKE THAT WILL HAPPEN) but.. I want to be famous.. no not some random pr0n star.. I want to be famous for changing the world.. You know like rosa parks and whatever..... But.. I WANT.. to change the world. i want to make a difference.. Because.. The way it's going now.. is just.... Not good.. THere was an article in the paper the other day.... the headline was "Humans Must Die?" and im like "YESSSS I LOOOVE THIS PERSON" but.. anyway o_O the article was about.. how we shouldnt breed out of our minds... and whatnot.. He said AIDS is too slow of a killer.. but pizza.. and.. so.. basically my idea is to take all the bad people put them on an island and let them go.. Then let the good people have the world.. (HAH THEY'RED BE LIKE 10 PEOPLE LEFT!!!!) But.. Take them... and selectivly breed them to form a new human race.. A one where greed.. cruilty.... prejudice.. doesnt exist anymore.. Where we all.. REALLY.. live in harmony with the earth.. and hope.. that we havent forked it up completely.. But um... we went to the bank yesterday... and it was sad.. seriously.. Cuz the lady was all "blah blah.. patriot acts!!" ... "blag de frickin blah...... PATRIOT ACTS BLAH!!" and im like... what kind of country is this.. Making everyone obsessed with some "rule" and whatever... and so dad was going to open bank account things for me and corndog.. and theyre like.. "..so whats their social security number? We need to report all the money and stuff to the government.." and it hit me.. This country.. LABELS Us.. it KEEPS TRACK of us. It gives us a NUMBER FOR CRYIN OUT LOUD!!!!!!!! It controlls our lives... Its another dream of mine to live on an island somewhere... Um.. aloooneee with my lover.. (who is going to be sp00ny >_>) but.. We can live how we want!!! and not be NUMBERED and ruled and controlled mindlessly..
Ive kinda already talked to him about this.. He said he couldnt live on an island.. That he needs freinds... and stuff.. and he needs the 'security' that the government offers.. He says im weird because i'd rather fend for myself against animals.. Than fend for myself against people. But i WOULD.. because i believe that i have instincts that are used to escape danger of being eaten.. However i lack instincts that are used to escape the danger of human riticule...

wow um.. i kinda got off track here... eheh ^^;; but...

Yea these are my feelings i suppose. If you dont like them then... SUCKS TO YOUR ASSMAR PIGGY!!! !:O!!!!!