Cait's Ramblings

Woke up alright. Didn't sleep much though.

Went out to Coldwater Garden restaurant, and it was terrible, and the place was disgusting :/

My arm did a really weird cracking thing like when you crack your knuckles. freaked me out big time :/

Other weird chest fluffyness.. but no tomatoes.. whaaat!?


Went to see carol at walmart, and got my 7' bean bag chair, whee!!

Went to see the hobbit, and i fell asleep for about 1/2 hr. x_x

and it was SO Cold in there.. ugh

Finished backdating my journal... all up to date, in case  i die today -_-

Someone publish this!! lol

im really paranoid about this, not cuz its "THE END OF THE WORLD" but because its a date that has haunted me for 13 years.. Cuz in Mrs. Bolz spanish class, we watched a movie about it in 5th grade..

and ive been terrified of it since then :/

If not the end of the world, maybe this is the day im gunna die.

Im just really paranoid. lol.

I hope i get to have an entry tomorrow...

IF not, well.

It's been fun, its been real, to quote Travis, lol

Yep.. so for about 2 hours after i posted about snoop i was a big wet slobbery mess..


and i am again..

I spent all night trying to occupy myself.. from lookin at fanfiction.. to..o_O mysteriously going to adultfanfiction.com and making up limericks.. and looking up random words.. all the wayto looking for replicas of auryn necklaces and auryn clocks from the neverending story..

so i went into my room.. ... at about 3...

..snoop wasthere.. she juiced on my unicorn blanket.. as normal.. but i didnt care.. i layed on top of it and my 2 hamtaro pillows... and started to get sniffly again.. so i whipped out a college psychology book.. I read about 20 chapters of it... and put it away.. my dad went to work.. i turned the light off and got under the unicorn blanket. still not caring it was juicey..


Then snoop woke up..

..and gave me free chiropractor samples.. and i realized. oh. this is probably one of the last times she would everr do it..

It's also the only way any living thing will ever get their hands/paws CLOSE to my back.. or well.. me in general.. if you know me at all.. i dont like being touched... o.o... but i like it.. it feels good.. and she purrs... and it makes me sleepy..

but no..

i started bawling like a baby and used about 50 kleenexes..

and now my pillow is like soaked.. so i came out here to write this..

because.. i cant sleep with her in there.. it's too painfull.. yet.. i really want to.. its hard for me to sleep if i dont have her with me...

ive read.. in some chikan soup books about people and their pets who would lick them to get them up in the morning.. ended up dying.. and i totally bawled at the end of those too...

but the thought never crossed my mind that this may actually happen to me....

ooh... she came out here.. ;-;-;;;;;;;;;;



*pets her*
...

this is.. hands down the most painfull thing in my life..

snoop has always been there.. she was born on july 3 1994... i was mad because i wanted to go to the fair im like "SCREW THE KITTNES I WANNA GO"" but snoop came out backward and mom had to like.. pull her out and stuff...

and we made collers for her... and i made stupid pipe cleaner collers and ones out of yarnn.. and shes just ALWAYS been there,, when i moved.. when i was depressed and hated jonesville.. when every last GOD DAMNNED friend ive ever had left me (besides shane + travis).. when my parents got into fights.. when they went out of their way to embarrass me.. when my mom died... when i was afraid to start college.. she was always there.. always on my bed.. sleeping.. and shes not gunna be there anymore and i just dunno...

the only.. moderately healthy cat we got right now is retard + whiteface.. they're only IN the house on average like 6 days a month... tooter is. ... deteriorating.. and travis... doesnt even come around anymore...



there was someone on the internet who once said... and i cant find it so i dont know exactly.. but..

"everything you've ever liked, ever loved will be taken away"

..this is so effing true with me..

and you know what.. i dont want another kitten.. .. no i lied.. id LOVE another kitten.. but i dont want one because i dont want to go through the pain of loosing it.. Thats a big problem i have.. fear of pain.. I'm afraid to do a lot of things because im afraid i will be hurt.. so i sacrifice any hint of love or happiness... for the security of knowing i wont be hurt...

and it sucks..

because i just get hurt anyway. hard.

and this is why i dont look for more friends... Because they are just gunna leave me too..




which leads me to the conclusion.. that i really.. REALLY.. really want to spend the rest of my life couped up on a deserted island with noone else.. that way... i wont have to deal with death.. i wont have to deal.. with pain and suffering... with getting everything ive ever loved taken way from me.. i know this is extremely selfish but i really do want it..

i want to be away from it all. .to escape..

i guess this is why people do drugs. to escape..

well i dont want to loose my intelligence.. its the only thing i got goin for me.. so dont be worried about that. lol... but i fear that is also going.. every day i find something more and more.. that i forget or do wrong... my short term memory 2-4 hours is virtually nonexistant.. dad will tell me to do laundry and i wont do it.. i just.. dont remember.. before.... it'd totally be done no questions asked.. i cant even remember to do the EFFING laundry.. and even with computers.. ill do soemthing in photoshop.. for ex.. something that you do a LOT like.. a mask or something.. and ill totally forget where it is.. and ill have to go through all the menus just lookin for it... no matter HOW many times i go back and find it.. i cant remember it..

whcih is the math problem too. I dont know what 6x4 is. i have no effing idea.. not without pullin my fingers out and going like.. ko.. 6.. 12... 18... 19 20 21 22 23 24 25... Ok.. 25.. you can drill that into my head all youd like but i will NEVER. EVER. remember that.. I know i have some sort of forked up brain thing going on.. but it goes undiagnosed.. along with my physical problems..

I should just end my life.. it's not worth it. totally..
But i cant..

and its just

so confuzzled and no idea whats going on and whats gunna happen to me or my computer or snoop or the lint in the dryer or the sticky pop on the keyboard or anything...

life is going by so fast i dont get to stop and think about what im doing..

i wish everythng would go back to how it was.......

back to having vivid feelings.. having 3590239 friends who <3d me.. being able to REMEMBER and THINK!! not worrying about how and when and why my life is crumbling around me...

if my dads back goes out ill have to get a job.... ...... i dont even wanna think about that.. thatd be such a mess.. we cant afford to even.. miss 1 paycheck of his..

oh jesus.. i know you are outside.. and also my cat.. but i wish stuff wasnt so hard..



yes i realize that this is a rambly post that evolved from snooop to suicide lol.. but yeah ignore it if youd like... ill probably forget 1/2 the things i wrote about in a few hours anyway...................