caitaro | Entries tagged with emo

woke up with impending doom feeling......

it sucked..

daniel snuggled me.. i felt better.

Then we went to work, was in electronics, i felt a bit better.

Got off work.. i felt bad again.. started cryin a bit in the breakroom >_<

daniel petted my leg, i felt better again.. bought a bunch of food and ate it on the way home.

Y SO EMO?

I am sick of my online life.

I dont care anymore. I dont care to be on Trickster. I dont have the motivation to IM anyone. Sometimes I dont feel like IMing back the people who IM me.

Why?

Because they dont feel like real friends. Because I dont feel attached anymore.

All it is is text on a screen. Sure i k now theres someone behind that text. Sure, i know that the text is in different sequences.. Text that depending upon who it's from will react differently to what i tell it.

But i dont feel attached to it anymore. I dont feel motivated to care deeply and intensely for each new screenname that pops up for me.

I dont get excited to meet new people.

That's a lot of donts, i know. And the only reason I know this is because i refuse to use an apostrophe and opera is saying it is all spelled wrong, lol.

but I've had a taste of real life, VIA Walmart. There i have my customers... many of which I make very happy every day.

I have my friends.. and my significant other. All which people I love very dearly. I'm interested in saying hi to the new people IRL.. not online.

Why?

Because online it seems all fake. I've done the online community thing. I've LED communities online since 2001. That's 9 years. Thats a long-ass time. Ive been friends with thousands and acquantenced with hundreds of thousands of people..

and they are all the same.

They are my friend for x amount of time. I support them in their 3 day relationships, in which they "ZOMG LOVE THEM 4 EVER" then cry for 34 years afterwards cuz "ZOMG MY ETERNAL LOVER (of 3 days) DUMPD ME, IMA BE SAD FOR 99 YEARS AND CUT MYSELF WITH A WATERMELON TO ADD TO MY PAIN CUZ I GOTTA DO IT OR I WON FEEL ALIIIIiIIiiiiiiIVEVeVE"

and at first i helped those people. I stayed up till 8am counseling them. Helping them. Nurturing them. And they appreciate it. I helped them.

But where are those people today? I dont know. Pretty much every friend I've had online has at one point or another, abandoned me.

Whereas I make my IMs and everything about me very public, and a quick google search will bring up TONS of info about me.. many of my friends lifes remains a mystery.

Which brings me to - Do they actually care? DID they actually care?

What i'm interested in, out of a friendship is "Friends for life" not "friends for 3 months then 8 months of missing in actionness then 2 more months of friendship"

Maybe my standards are too high. I tend to care less when people that bring BS to me, CONTINUE to bring BS to me. Sure I'll listen to problems. I'll help. I'll care.

But when its every single conversation is some sort of BS that just pisses me off? Then I am pissed, and care less for that person.

I love IRL because people dont have that piddly little teenage BS.

I love being an adult and i never wanna go back to that time in my life where everything was BS, because im sick of it.

This is why i want to cast mY PC alive and be offline only.

But i cant let my guild down, not like so many in the past have.

But it hurts me.

blah.

I think ima Turn trickster off today and do something for -me-.

I feel like i had someone who was my best friend

...and i miss them so much...

well im experiencing the feeling of missing them..

But i dont remember who it was

or even if they exist

bcause i dont remember anything specific about them

o_O

Dont remember a name, talking to them, events happening... Nothing.

But i long for this person, existing or not.

and i wish they would come back

v-v

so that this feeling will go away.

Current Mood: sad

*insert 99 page emo rant here*

but ill cut to the chase

someone asked me today

"Cait who is your best friend thats a guy and one thats a girl?"

and i thought about it

Who am i close to right now?

..Noone.

When i go online, who do i look for? Noone.

I have noone..

and god damn

I would have someone..

back when i felt this way before

i said..

<Cait> salam ;-;
<Salamix> yeah?
<Cait> dont leave me, ok?
<Salamix> I wont

and )#R)(R(GTE( HES GONE AND I HATEHIM CUZ I DONT HAVE ANYONE ANYMORE AND IM JUST FLOATING cuz

i dont have anyone to talk to... closely..

T_T...

Current Mood: upset

I just finished a chapter in my book

its about a girl who gets amnesia...

and she feels lost ...

at schoool.. with her family

her supposid best friend seems odd... caring.. but od..

her boyfriend seems like nooone shed wanna be around, much less with.

and i feel... oddily.. the same.

i feel like something is missing

like a big hunk of my life that was important is just.. gone..

and i think

maybe its cuz of salam?

cuz i miss him.

But i think..

what do i know about salam?

not much

I know specific things like

his favorite color is dark yellow..

his sister wants to go to alaska..

his mom kissed him everyday before school his senior year..

But who is salam?

....I dont remember....

But either way..

It feels like someone whos very important to me, i have forgotten about..

and whoever it is.. I miss them.. a lot..

I laid in my bed after i turned the light off..

trying to remember who it is im looking for..

and i dont remember o.o

and i think.. and think..

where have i been the past few years...

Trickster o.o
and

But who have i BEEN with?

who has been my friend?

well shane was gone for over a year.. and travis as well..

online?

there was nick for awhile.. segageek for awhile...

In my guild...

bunz.. friskie.. saber.. mal.. fuzee.. salam.. dave.

But it feels like someones missing..

someone who is above and beyong everyone..

Someone who ive been friends with a long time, and i care deeply about..

Right now i think fuzee and dave are mybest friends.

but what do i feel for them?

nothing very strong..

it feels like the person i feel very strong for is missing, and i cant remember who it is..

I long to feel that strength for someone...

for as it is right now, i feel uncaring about everyone

:|.

Wish i had a best friend or something.

Wish i didnt have to go to work in 7 hours so i could sit in my room and be emo and try and remember whos missing from my life...

blarg.

*hopes stripey is in her room so she can hug her*

Current Mood: depressed

I dont care to go to work
or log on trickster

I didnt go to school yesterday...

I was colder than hell, and shaking bad at the comp, so i took a shower...

Kitten wanted in as usual, but i kept her out. not in the mood for her..

So then she sat outside and cried for the whole 45 mins i was in there..

i got out, and

and the one time kitten was loving on me, i pushed her out of my room, i didnt want her in here when im in this sort of mood...

she squeezed under the door anyway. -.-

got on trickster for the patch..

got to meet Kumiho.. raveny was there too.

but i didnt stay long..

didnt feel like it.

came in here to write this, and talked to fuzee a bit...

*sigh*

Tomarrow/today is the last day of my mini vacation..

Told myself im done w/ salam now if he doesnt contact me by then..

*sigh*...

but

i miss him so much...

and i know im feeling this sucky because i miss him. Even though he is nothing like what i was in a person, i miss him so much... :/

phoenixy had a point though...

Its a new year.. no point dwelling in the past. look forward not back.

I've got a lot going for me..

Im still alive.. I have my guild and guildies...

I have a JOB. IN MICHIGAN.

But it all seems rather pointless when i dont have someone i can ramble on about everything too...

Someone i feel strongly about, and just wanna be with them... and... ugh. Salam please come back to me ;-;

I know im just being whiney and emo.. but ill try not to think about him or mention him ever again after today.. Ill try..

But so you know, i go to bed, and most nights stare off at the wall with watery eyes wondering what happened to him... what hes doing - if anything - right now.. If he misses me.. wondering why he hasnt contacted me....

Wonder how long that'll go on for..

But bleh, this is how i felt when sp00ny and i were done. and i felt the "NEVAR DO RELATIONSHIPS AGAIN" thing.. and when i was just by myself and not depending on anyone else, it was great, and id never feel like this.. and never feel like i had to have somoene to be happy.

Sigh.

wish they didnt fire me if i didnt go to work, id stay in bed all day.. v-v

----

all emoness aside (and by aside i mean still thinking aboout but duno what to write about)'

I made my turkey today

Hes very turkey tastic

I stil have to sew 1 wing of his on though o_O

Then i have a pumpkin as well

and my 2 skirts....

Duno if ill do that tomarrow

or get ont rickster

..Sigh

Oh yeah while i was cutting out the pieces for my turkey, i watched "the day the earth stood still" and it was an alright movie.

Better than most ive seen lately.

Fuzee is telling me to go to bed
and hes prolly right

I Like fuzee a lot

Too bad hes jailbait
sigh

02:26] * Salamix has joined #memoirs
[02:27] <Salamix> hey everyone
[02:27] <Cait> Salam
[02:27] * Cait hugs
[02:27] <Cait> you made it to 21!
[02:27] <Cait> and now for my expectation
[02:27] <Cait> do you want the work story or the home story first!??
[02:28] <Salamix> uh, work
[02:28] <Cait> k well
[02:28] <Salamix> And yeah, I made your expectation too! See?
[02:28] <Cait> not much happened
[02:28] <Cait> but
[02:28] <Salamix> Though I took too many breaks
[02:28] <Cait> 1.) i had FOUR people ask me for ice cream makers
[02:28] <Cait> i was like wth,
[02:28] <Cait> i wasnt aware we had any at all
[02:28] <Salamix> you aren't even in the ice cream place, are you?
[02:29] <Cait> 2.) this person was raising a huge fuss over something that was in the ad that we didnt ahave
[02:29] <Cait> ok so anywya
[02:29] <Cait> home story
[02:29] <Cait> guess what happened 7 days agO?
[02:29] <Salamix> uh...
[02:30] <Salamix> Prismatic differentiation?
[02:30] <Cait> ..Could be
[02:30] <Cait> but!
[02:30] <Cait> saber gave me his fallen watcher shield.
[02:30] <Cait> and guess whos timer ended when they were at work?
[02:30] <Salamix> The shield...
[02:30] <Cait> Yup.
[02:31] <Cait> So now saber ahtes my guts
[02:31] <Cait> so ill give him 60mil
[02:31] <Cait> and hope he still trusts me...
[02:31] <Cait> Because i let him down. -_-
[02:31] <Cait> so im broke again, YAY
[02:31] <Salamix> ouch
[02:32] <Salamix> I don't even get why he bought it in the first place
[02:32] <Cait> he thought you could unequip it and re-equip it at will
[02:32] <Salamix> Oh
[02:32] <Cait> if i were in his shoes
[02:32] <Cait> i'd never trust me again.
[02:33] <Salamix> well, at least you can pay it back
[02:33] <Cait> Yes
[02:33] <Cait> but i still feel -really- bad
[02:33] <Cait> cuz i hate when people let me down like that

[02:39] <Cait> OMG
[02:39] <Cait> MAL LIKES MY PIC
[02:39] <Cait> im so happy
[02:40] <Cait> Leon says (2:37 AM):
[02:40] <Cait> *takes a look
[02:40] <Cait> LOL that is so CUTE!
[02:40] <Cait> I like it!
[02:40] <Cait> Sir Cait says (2:37 AM):
[02:40] <Cait> hehe ^_^
[02:40] <Cait> Sir Cait says (2:38 AM):
[02:40] <Cait> YAY =D
[02:40] <Cait> Leon says (2:38 AM):
[02:40] <Cait> *is quite literally laughing hysterically over it*
[02:40] <Cait> Sir Cait says (2:38 AM):
[02:40] <Cait> =DD
[02:40] <Cait> Leon says (2:38 AM):
[02:40] <Cait> *saves* defintely a keeper
[02:40] <Cait> Sir Cait says (2:38 AM):
[02:40] <Cait> im glad you like it =33
[02:40] <Cait> Leon says (2:38 AM):
[02:40] <Cait> I do, not only is the subject good, it's well drawn too, I'm impressed
[02:40] <Cait> Leon says (2:39 AM):
[02:40] <Cait> well you did good, it's only been my birthday here for 38 mins so far
[02:40] <Cait> so YAY

[02:13] <Cait> I JUST finished mal's pic =D
[02:13] <Cait> i just uploaded it like 3 secs ago literally
[02:13] <Cait> http://photoanon.com/images/r2vsznozfcqmu1s8r9zv.jpg
[02:16] <Salamix> Wow, it's like the malachite is staring
[02:16] <Cait> XD
[02:16] <Cait> he's always going on about saving his brothers
[02:16] <Cait> so i made the pic as in it was a game
[02:17] <Cait> but yeah
[02:17] <Cait> so i hope he likes it~ =3
[02:18] <Cait> so what are you planning on doing tonight? :o
[02:19] <Salamix> don't know
[02:19] <Cait> oo otay
[02:19] <Cait> im only guna be up till 3...
[02:19] <Cait> stupid work
[02:19] <Cait> T.T
[02:20] <Salamix> alright
[02:23] <Salamix> So what are you doing right now?
[02:24] <Cait> sittin here
[02:24] <Cait> waitin for somethin kewl to happen
[02:24] <Cait> o_o
[02:27] <Cait> spoze ill get on luna and try out my equipz.
[02:30] <Salamix> Oh, the dark set?
[02:30] <Cait> and arcwand,, yep
[02:30] <Cait> with my speed buff + speed on my gloves i almost run as fast as a sprint
[02:31] <Cait> id love to get speed on my boots too.. but meh @ being poor XD
[02:31] <Cait> i think ive got like 800-850k now
[02:32] <Salamix> heh, better than I was doing at that level
[02:32] <Cait> i dont know how
[02:32] <Cait> i just NPC my junk usually
[02:32] <Cait> and ive given a ton of stuff to saber
[02:34] <Cait> but anyway
[02:34] <Cait> I was wondering..
[02:35] <Cait> I Showmy brother the pics i draw you guys.. and tell him about stuff and whatever.
[02:35] <Cait> and when i ask what he thinks he goes "oh. its okay."
[02:35] <Cait> and says "well, it's just a picture so what"
[02:35] <Cait> i ask him "why cant you give any constructive critisim!"
[02:36] <Cait> he says "its cuz guys dont care about that sort of thing!"
[02:36] <Cait> sooo uh
[02:36] <Cait> is he right?
[02:36] <Cait> XD
[02:36] <Salamix> well, they aren't really for him or anything
[02:36] <Cait> ya
[02:36] <Cait> i but i say
[02:36] <Cait> "what if i was giving this to you!?"
[02:36] * Arlans has joined #memoirs
[02:36] <Cait> lol
[02:36] * ChanServ sets mode: +ao Arlans Arlans
[02:37] <Cait> hi LANZ
[02:37] <Salamix> hey Lans
[02:37] <Arlans> Hi salam
[02:37] <Arlans> Hi Cait
[02:37] <Arlans> ^_^
[02:37] <Cait> lans
[02:37] <Cait> check it
[02:37] <Arlans> How are you?
[02:37] <Arlans> :O
[02:38] <Cait> http://photoanon.com/images/r2vsznozfcqmu1s8r9zv.jpg
[02:38] <Cait> im ok
[02:38] <Arlans> oh nice
[02:38] <Arlans> ^_^
[02:39] <Cait> and jesus christ, i crit for 2700 now, on red bears o_0
[02:39] <Cait> Yeah
[02:39] <Cait> so lans
[02:39] <Cait> no comments?
[02:39] <Cait> just its nice
[02:39] <Cait> ?
[02:39] <Salamix> wow
[02:39] <Arlans> wait
[02:39] <Salamix> What did you do before?
[02:39] <Cait> i dont remember
[02:39] <Cait> regular is 1200
[02:39] <Arlans> Lol at smiling mal
[02:39] <Arlans> XD!
[02:39] <Cait> o.o
[02:40] <Arlans> the one in the cage
[02:40] <Arlans> :O
[02:40] <Cait> theyre happy to be freed
[02:40] <Arlans> oh wait I noticed mal use power to free them?
[02:40] <Arlans> :O
[02:41] <Cait> yeah
[02:41] <Arlans> That blu/pink circle
[02:41] <Cait> no
[02:41] <Cait> that circle
[02:41] <Cait> is
[02:41] <Cait> Chrysocolla
[02:41] <Cait> if you look at the descriptin it says
[02:41] <Cait> "malachite is contained inside"
[02:41] <Arlans> OH
[02:42] <Arlans> Thats NICE
[02:42] <Arlans> :O
[02:42] <Cait> Oh wow
[02:42] <Cait> im never using 2 handed staffs again
[02:43] <Cait> without shield, 56, with shield 16...
[02:43] <Cait> well turtley steve is donefor, lol
[02:43] <Arlans> oh Luna
[02:43] <Arlans> :P
[02:43] <Arlans> i'm reading Manga
[02:43] <Arlans> :P
[02:43] <Cait> im gunna go to bed in a few mins
[02:43] <Cait> got work tomarrow
[02:43] <Arlans> :[
[02:43] <Salamix> Wow, you're haxed
[02:44] <Salamix> Go get a boss or something!
[02:45] <Cait> i started killing the orc boss
[02:45] <Cait> but he does 150 to me still
[02:45] <Salamix> ouch
[02:46] <Cait> he fainted and i died
[02:46] <Cait> HORARY
[02:46] <Arlans> we are PEIN
[02:46] <Arlans> XD!
[02:48] <Cait> k i got him
[02:48] <Cait> and got nothing

also im really emo

figuring i care too much about the guildies n stuff ><

Yeah, so i talked to sp00ny for a decent amt of time today.. for once..

unfortunately it was all about my emo problems..

But i did say one thing ive been wanting to get off my chest for like 2 yrs XP\

<tr><td>Cait: makes me sad when i look back how things used to be, i was sooo popular XP </td><td></td><td>and i had millions of friends on byond and junk
Cait: </td></tr><tr><td></td><td></td><td>and.. *zomg emo moment* most important of all. *long awkward moment* i had you, *moving aloooong...
Cait: </td><td></td><td>Ive tried gettin into byond agian, but </td></tr><tr><td> </td><td></td><td>the games just like suck and theres too many n00bsss

</td></tr>
Yeah, and in a nutshell, was i pretty much was teh happy when i was with sp00nerz and life was amasian and i had not a care in the world.

and then everything started going down hill about mid 2005 XDDD

Like travis, retard, snoop, and tooter dying.. Friends changing.. often in negative ways..

and i WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISH i had a time machine, so I could go back to June-July 05.

That was the happiest time in my life >_>

cuz i had

-sp00ny
-kitties
-mom
-lotsa friends
-skewl
-no mr. haywood
-health insurance
-a semi planned out FUTURE
-Mountain dew pitch black II

yeahh most of which i dont have anymore XD

SO THERE YOU HAVE IT, I AM DISSATISFIED WITH MY LIFE NOW, and i wasnt back in the day XD

so not to be the pessimistic, here is some stuff i have now, that i didnt then

-LAPTOP OF LURVE AND <3
-A closer relationship with my dad (which my dad is being an arsehole now with the dating thing)
-DS
-a very physical relationshiop (imo, anyways) with shane + travis XD
-A journal of everyday writings for YEARS XD
-warming blanket <3
-grapefruit pop
-Photoshop CS2

I AM MEEEE AND I AMMM NOT OKAY! XD

ok i lied.

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Page Summary

Felt weird today...
Emo post :D
*goin crazy*
i feel alone.
Something missing?
;-;-;-;-;-;;;
Stories + Mal's pic aftermath
Mals pic
So i herd I used to likes mudkipz || ANOTHER EMO POST XD

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Cait's Ramblings

I'm freaking weird

Entries tagged with emo

Felt weird today...

Emo post :D

goin crazy

i feel alone.

Something missing?

;-;-;-;-;-;;;

Stories + Mal's pic aftermath

Mals pic

So i herd I used to likes mudkipz || ANOTHER EMO POST XD